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The Match Game

There is really only one thing I teach – how to harness The Law of Attraction to full advantage. Simply stated, this universal principle says, “You get what you focus on,” or, stated another way, “You attract what you are.”

Since you attract what you are, you can see why there are things or circumstances you want that aren’t coming to you:

  • You cannot attract a promotion when you are feeling unappreciated
  • You cannot attract a raise when you are feeling strapped for cash
  • You cannot attract work you enjoy when you are complaining (to others or to yourself) about the work you are doing

You cannot attract anything until you and it are “a match”.

Think of life as The Match Game. If you are old enough to remember that TV game show (or you’ve seen re-runs on cable TV), then you know that the object of the game was to match items to one another. The more you matched, the more you won.  The same is true in life as long as you match what you want. Unfortunately, most of us spend our time unconsciously matching what we do not want and end up feeling like we’ve lost.

I say unconsciously matching because I’ve been observing my own Match Game for years now and lately, I’ve begun to notice just how subtly I can focus on things I don’t want without even noticing that I’m doing it. When I am making judgments about people or situations that I don’t approve of or do not like, my attention to them is attracting them to me.

For example, last week I made an observation about my friend Maude (not her real name, of course) which prompted me to think, “I can’t believe how difficult she makes things for herself. I wish she could figure out a simple way to get the results she wants.” The rest of the day, everything I touched seemed to have an unanticipated problem. Suddenly, I was complicating everything – and it was because I had made myself a match to what I’d judged in Maude.

As my teacher, Esther Hicks says, “The formula for creating what you want is simple: Identify the desire and then vibrationally match it.”

If you can’t match it by observation, then you must match it through your imagination. For example, if a co-worker is behaving in a way you don’t like, then you cannot observe in her the behavior you want; it’s not there You must develop a picture in your mind of what it would look like if she started to behave the way you want. It would be useful to find someone else who DOES behave the way you want and use that observation to further develop the picture in your mind.

Until you can fully visualize the desired behavior and STOP observing the opposite, she will never act the way you want – it is not a match. In the Match Game it would be like flipping over a card that has a frowning face on it and trying to match it with a smiling face. It’s not a match and never will be. No matter how much you criticize the frowning card, or tell other people how much you wish the frowning card would change – the frowning card is not going to turn into a smiling card. Put your attention on the smiling card and you will attract other cards that match it.

Let me tell you how to be a big winner in The Match Game every day. Don’t worry at all about what you’re thinking or saying. Simply pay attention to how you are feeling.

When you feel satisfaction, happiness, joy or any positive emotion, you are automatically a match to anything else that would make you feel that way. The more you focus on being happy, the more what you want is a match. Would that new project at work make you happy? Then work on creating that feeling of happiness now and you will be a match to it. Would getting your work completed make you happy? Then work on creating in yourself what it would feel like to already be there and you will get there naturally – it’s a match!

The Match Game – with your host, Law of Attraction!

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Three Questions

Words have power.  This morning someone I love told me that when he was ten years old his father took him fishing. This is a very big event for any boy—quality time with Dad.  On that trip, my friend did something his Dad didn’t like and, to let him know just how much he disapproved, he said, “I used to think you were stupid; now I know you are.”

Ouch. The impact of words last—in this case over 50 years. Too often we use words to vent negative emotions with little concern about the impact.  In fact, we humans are incapable of doing something we truly believe is wrong so what do we do?  We justify:

She needs to be told.
It’s for his own good,
and (my personal favorite):
I’m only telling you this because I love you.

If that’s true, could you love me a little less, please?

I recently heard a simple and yet powerful guideline for determining what information to communicate, especially if it’s potentially hurtful.  Just ask yourself these three simple questions:

  1. Is it true?
  2. Is it kind?
  3. Is it necessary?

#1 Is it true? To test this, feel free to apply my Court of Law Rule which is, as follows: if you cannot prove it in a court of law, then you made it up.

Could my friend’s father prove in a court of law that his 10 year-old was stupid?  Perhaps he could if he produced the results of his son’s IQ test and the score was low. In this case, I know it to be untrue; my friend, who was that 10 year-old is one of the smartest and most successful people I know.

“But Silver,” you might protest, “sometimes I just know.” We all think that. I once shared with a friend that the man she was dating would end up badly hurting her.  It turned out to be true. But what is equally true is that, ten years prior I fully endorsed a relationship she had with a man, convinced she would live happily ever after.  When they parted, that hurt turned out to be worse.  In both cases, I could not prove my opinions in a court of law. My ideas weren’t true; they were stories I’d made up, convinced I was right.

Where do you do this in your relationships, both at work and at home?

#2.  Is it kind? Another way to say this is:  examine your motives.  Check out how you are feeling.  Are you planning to communicate this information because you are feeling kind? Or are you feeling self-righteous, smug or superior?  If you are feeling any of the latter, you are probably not being kind. If, however, you are upset because you know you’re about to hurt this person but you also know that, in the long run, they will benefit from it, then you are being kind.  For example, intervening when someone is harming themselves with drugs, food or alcohol is an act of love and the intent is to be kind, not hurtful. This is equivalent to throwing a lifesaver to someone who is about to drown. (Just remember, they get to choose whether or not to pick it up.)

#3 Is it necessary? This is a tough call, no question. If the communication is a way for you to set boundaries with another, it is probably necessary.  Boundaries are required when someone else’s behavior is causing you tangible harm.

If the only harm you are experiencing are negative feelings because of their behavior, that doesn’t count. No one else controls your emotions—how you feel is up to you.  On the other hand, if they are physically harming you or putting your livelihood or safety at risk, then the communication IS necessary—refusing to get into a car with someone who’s been drinking, for example.

Remember that the Law of Attraction says that you get more of what you focus on. When you are focused on the need to fix or rescue someone, then you will be surrounded by people who need fixing or rescuing. By routinely asking yourself these three questions, you will begin to discover that much of what you feel compelled to communicate is really none of your business.

Consider what a different memory my friend would have of fishing with his Dad if his father had simply employed these three questions.  Think of how different your relationships will be when you do.

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(everyone sing!) Climb Every Mountain

Last week I hiked up to Angel’s Landing in Zion National Park. This 2.5 mile hike starts with a zigzag trail called Walter’s Wiggles. Once you get to the top of that, you have the option of continuing another half mile STRAIGHT UP. The rocky terrain and the installed chains are there to help you along the way, providing both footholds and handholds. It is not for the faint of heart or for those who are afraid of heights. I am not afraid of heights; I am afraid of falling. They are two different, often paralyzing fears.

Because of my fear, it occurred to me as I slowly and surely made my way to the top that having the ability to focus is crucial. With no railings, any fall off the edge meant certain death. Since falling is my fear, it was important that I focus my attention and eyesight across the vista, never down. If I looked down, I would not have been able to make it to the top or back down again (which was the tougher part).

The Law of Attraction says you get more of what you focus on. I spent all my time during that half-mile focused on two things: the breathtakingly beautiful scenery and my pride in what I was achieving. The more I focused on those two things, the more I enjoyed myself. In fact, there were moments when I was suffused with joy.

Going back down was more difficult. At that point, I was focused on how much my knees hurt and my concern for my partner who had been having trouble with his knees before we went on the hike. The more I gave these two concerns my attention, the less I enjoyed the hike down.

Admittedly, it is difficult to ignore pain but I’m pretty sure I would have enjoyed the downward trek a bit more if I had, in spite of the pain, continued to focus on the beautiful scenery and our shared accomplishment. I know that’s true because, every once in a while, a group of college students on Spring Break would pass us on the way down the steep hill and proclaim, “You guys are our heroes!” or “Way to go!” and, for those brief, shining moments, the pain disappeared and I felt terrific!

I am not an advocate of taking action when you are afraid; that is not what I did. Had I gone up the steep incline fighting fear, I would have put myself and my partner in danger. Instead, I replaced the fear by focusing on two things I love—beauty and challenge.

Could the metaphor for life be any more obvious?

We all face things in life we find difficult. Unfortunately, many of us have been trained to fight against them or take action despite them. Both only cause them to remain more firmly entrenched. You get more of what you focus on. If I had simply said, “I don’t want this fear to stop me,” my focus would have been on the fear, triggering the “fight or flight” response. This response corresponds to an area of our brain called the hypothalamus, which—when stimulated—initiates a sequence of nerve cell firing and chemical release that prepares our body for running or fighting. My brain would have responded by flooding my system with stress hormones, causing me to perceive everything as a threat, which would have been dangerous. Bottom line: I would not have even attempted the climb. Instead, I opted to enjoy the scenery and the challenge. The fear was not included in my focus and so I never felt it. Not once.

Focus is powerful and every one of us has the ability to control where we place ours. Is it easy at first? No, it takes practice but like everything, the more you practice, the more accomplished you become.

If your thoughts don’t serve you well, challenge what your mind tells you:
– Is your boss really out to get you or is he just unskilled at management?
– Is your co-worker truly an insensitive jerk or could she possibly have problems in her life you know nothing about?
– Did you actually get nothing done today or does it just feel that way?

Too often we accept our thoughts as the truth when in fact they are simply thoughts. If someone told you, “You didn’t get anything done today,” you would likely argue that you did and come up with evidence to support your assertion. You can do the same with your mind—argue your case (but not out loud; people get institutionalized for less).

Remember, you get more of what you focus on. When you control your focus, you can literally climb mountains.

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The Little Engine That Could

Many years ago, when I adopted my then teenaged foster daughters it was important to me that there be no hypocrisy in my parenting. In other words, if I taught them to behave in a certain way, then I needed to, as well. In 12-step groups they call this “walking your talk.” This turned out to be a goal one strives for; I did so imperfectly.

As I set out to teach them to be gentler in their self-appraisals I began to listen to my own inner dialogue. I quickly realized that, for most of us, if we talked to our children the way we talk to ourselves, we would be arrested for child abuse.

I was disheartened by many of the things I said to myself:
You’ll never be able to do that—you’ve tried before and failed.
You lost your keys again? What’s the matter with you?
Who do you think you are?
You are so lazy, it’s a wonder you’ve accomplished anything in life!

We all do some version of this—so what?

Brain researchers tell us that the way we talk to ourselves is a critical component of how we act in and process the world around us. Our brain accepts whatever we say to it without question and so, however we are damning ourselves, this information is processed as a fact rather than an opinion.

According to Steven Campbell, M.S.I.S. in his book Making Your Mind Magnificent, “The brain records everything you say to it about yourself as readily as it records what it sees when it looks at a picture.”

Campbell goes on to tell us, “So when you say, “No way! I can’t do that!” the mind simply says, “OK…you can’t” and then blocks out the ways for you to do it. If, however, you say: “Absolutely…of course I can do that!” the brain also accepts this as truth without question. No arguments. Not only that, your brain then endeavors to help you find a way to do it, and then gives you the energy to do so.”

Usually this harsh consideration was learned in early childhood—a critical parent, a disapproving teacher, even an older sibling can all impact our self-image. The good news is that others are no longer in charge—you are.

The reason it’s difficult to change these habits of negative self-talk is that your brain’s job is to keep you from changing. Campbell outlines this when he writes about the brain’s resistance to change: “Your brain does not like being out of its comfort zone. It will resist any changes you want as much as it can, and will find all sorts of ways of doing so, including lying to you and telling you things about yourself that are simply not true.”

It’s important to understand that your thoughts are not necessarily true. When I was a child, I was convinced there was a bogeyman living in my closet. My brain told me it was true and even convinced me that I was hearing him make threatening sounds. We all have bogeymen living inside our minds and they talk to us very convincingly. Our job is to say to them, “Thank you for sharing but I disagree with what you are telling me.” (By the way, I don’t recommend talking to your bogeymen out loud unless you are alone—society prefers self-talk be done silently.)

The Law of Attraction dictates that you get more of what you focus on. The messages you give yourself are even more critical than the messages others are giving you because they comprise your ongoing focus. We would all do well to remember the lesson we learned as children when we read the classic tale of The Little Engine that Could. His self-talk was:

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.
I know I can, I know I can, I know I can.
And (after succeeding) I knew I could, I knew I could, I knew I could.

If you are not familiar with this story, you can easily find it online and it is well worth reading (repeatedly).

If, like me, you have often wished that your parents were better skilled at their jobs there is a simple, albeit challenging solution: become the loving parent you always dreamed of and say to yourself what you wish had been said to you. As a brilliant philosopher once said, “It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.” (I know you can, I know you can, I know you can.)

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Hocus-Pocus; Where’s Your Focus?

One of the abilities to deteriorate under the impact of stress is one’s capacity to focus clearly. The Law of Attraction dictates that you get more of what you focus on. In the absence of a clear focus, what you attract is a mixed bag, which creates even more stress because it makes you feel like you’re on a very fast train going nowhere.

In his groundbreaking and incredibly useful book Change Your Brain; Change Your Life, psychiatrist Daniel Amen teaches that the prefrontal cortex, the most evolved part of the human brain, is essential in helping us reach our goals. It is involved with some pretty critical jobs including concentration, attention span, judgment, impulse control, and critical thinking. One of the reasons I like this book is that Dr. Amen provides very practical solutions to problems like “inability to focus.” The “prescriptions” he writes are not those you go to the pharmacy to get filled –they are things you can do for yourself that will net small results pretty quickly and big results over time.

One of my favorite Amen prescriptions for becoming more focused is, “Focus on what you like a lot more than what you don’t like.” He goes on to say, “Focusing on what you like about your life and what you like about others is a powerful way to keep your prefrontal cortex healthy.”

The need for this is most clear when you think about relationships. Let’s say you have ten co-workers that you spend a lot of time with during your workweek. Nine of them are people you like very much and look forward to seeing each day. But there is this one ______ (fill in the blank—idiot, jerk, troublemaker, slacker—you know the label you use as a descriptor). For this article, we will call this person The Jerk. Who is it that you give most of your attention to? Who do you keep a careful eye on all day? Who do you most discuss with others in the company? Who do you talk about when you go home? The nine people you like so much? Of course not! Your mind is much too preoccupied with The Jerk!

The more attention you give to The Jerk, the more difficult it is for you to focus on anything else because you are actually doing damage to your prefrontal cortex! As Dr. Amen puts it, “Focusing on the negative aspects of others or of your own life makes you more vulnerable to depression and can damage your relationships.”

I get excited about all this brain research because, when I first started talking about the Law of Attraction thirteen years ago, many people felt it was just more “touchy-feely” nonsense. Intuitively, I knew that wasn’t true. Changing my focus from dwelling on the negative to looking for the positive was a critical component in my recovery from depression and alcoholism. Over the years I’ve witnessed similar results in others.

Because a healthy prefrontal cortex is essential in helping you achieve your goals, then it makes total sense that, when you are miserable, you are not attracting what you want into your life because your ability to achieve your goals is hindered.
Interestingly, Dr. Amen writes that, “People with prefrontal cortex challenges, especially people with ADD, tend to be conflict-driven as a way to ‘turn on’ prefrontal cortex activity. Unfortunately, this behavior has many negative side effects, especially on relationships and immune system functioning.”

The result of proactively inviting conflict into one’s life can only be more conflict. You get more of what you focus on. Before I started to deliberately apply the Law of Attraction to my life, I found myself in many conflict-filled situations in which I felt like a victim. Now that I take full responsibility for all that happens to me, I no longer attract those situations. Don’t get me wrong. There are many occasions when I want to blame someone else for a circumstance I don’t like but ultimately, when I look at my part in what happens to me, I see that I attracted it. And when I see how I did so, I can adjust my focus and my behavior to correct the situation.

I strongly encourage you to check out Dr. Amen’s website http://www.amenclinics.com/. He has many free tools including videos, tests and articles that can help with any issues you or a loved one might be faced with or would like to avoid in the future.

The best thing to remember is that you get more of what you focus on so, if you want to change your life, change your focus!

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