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Enjoying the Becoming

By Silver Rose

Enjoying the Becoming

I love Spring. It’s the promise of what is to become. It’s so much fun to watch for the buds of plants to appear, knowing they will eventually become the full blooms of Summer.

I’ve been thinking of this in relation to other aspects of life. Why is it that we can enjoy the becoming of a plant but forget to enjoy the becoming of other things?
There are 3 steps to attracting what we want:
Step #1 – Ask
Step #2 – Deliver
Step #3 – Allow

We only have control over #1 (asking) and #3 (allowing). . #2 (delivery) is not our work; it is the work of the Universe.

#1 Asking is easy. We are asking all the time through the focus of our attention. Whatever you pay attention to, you are asking for more of. This is precisely why it is so important to only focus on what you want more of. If you focus on how terrible traffic is, for example, you can be sure that more gridlocks are headed your way. On the other hand, if you focus on how many courteous drivers there are, you are sure to attract a gentler commute. It’s your choice – focus on what you want or focus on what you don’t want. Either way, you’ll get it. The Law of Attraction works this way every single time.

#2 Delivery always happens. Whatever you ask for is delivered. There is a biblical adage, “Ask and ye shall receive.” It is true. Unfortunately, sometimes others receive what you asked for because you fail to engage in #3, allowing what you asked for into your life. Other times, you forget what you have asked for and so, when you receive it, you’re not impressed by what you accomplished

#3 Allowing is the more difficult of the two steps over which we have control. Somewhere along the line we were trained to think we have no influence over what happens to us or we’re afraid to be disappointed if we don’t get what we want.

Therefore, we train ourselves not to expect too much – which is exactly what we get -every time.

This week I’m going to challenge you to purposefully take control over what you attract into your life. Pick something you want that you believe can happen within a week’s time. Ask for it to be delivered by the end of the week. Then, several times a day, ask the Universe to show you signs that you are on the way to receiving what you asked for. When the signs come (and they will), your job is to ENJOY THE BECOMING.

Let’s say that one of the things you want is to have a really fun weekend. On Tuesday, you ask the Universe to show you a sign that you are on the way to receiving what you asked for. That night you get home and there is a message from a friend asking you to call if you’re free this weekend. That’s a sign. You call and they have something fun they’re putting together and want to include you. Wednesday, you ask the Universe again to show you a sign. You open up a magazine and see an article about the very thing your friend just invited you to do. Now it’s getting fun!. On Thursday, you ask for yet another sign that it’s going to be a great weekend. You put your hand in your jacket pocket and find $20 you forgot was there – the entrance fee for another event you wanted to go to and didn’t think you could afford.

The becoming usually looks like a series of “coincidences” that, in fact, you are attracting because of your attention to what you want. The more you pay attention to the fact that “it’s coming,” the faster it will arrive. Isn’t that fun?

Enjoy the unfolding. The joy is in the journey. Enjoy the becoming. These are all different ways to say the same thing. What none of them say, however, is that the more you enjoy watching for signs that what you want is coming, the more certainty that it is on its way – soon!

Priority versus Importance

By Silver Rose

Priority versus Importance

In my coaching practice, I work with quite a few managers who are director level or above. What might surprise many of their employees is the angst each of them suffers as they wrestle with the impact that “being the boss” has on relationships with the co-workers who report to them.

Their angst is well-earned. It comes from several areas:
(1) Dealing with employee issues such as hurt feelings, work-related stress, co-workers who cannot work together as a team, and the endless reporting in the media of lawsuits by employees for legitimate as well as imagined wrongs.
(2) The manager’s sincere desire to work as a team instead of in a “boss/subordinate” relationship. (Most really don’t enjoy “having to boss people around.”)
(3) A hypersensitivity to sending the message to employees that their contribution is of equal importance to that of the boss.

Perhaps what we’ve forgotten, in our zeal to make sure that employees’ self-esteem remains intact, is the conversation about importance versus priority.

If the boss wants something done and you ask, “Is this more important than the task I am doing?” and she says, “Yes,” is she telling you that her job is more IMPORTANT than yours? No, she is telling you that what she wants done is of higher PRIORITY. You might not agree. To be blunt, that doesn’t matter. It is your job to do as she has asked.

A significant part of any boss’ role in the organization is to establish priorities for the department that will ensure its success. That’s what she is held accountable for by her boss. By the way, sometimes she chooses priorities that turn out to be wrong. When that happens in a healthy organization, she is held fully accountable. She doesn’t get to blame her staff. The buck stops at her desk.

A number of years ago, a straight-shooting boss of mine told me, “Your job, in a nutshell, is to make me succeed.” At the time, I thought, “Well, you egotistical so-and-so.” Now I understand what he was saying. The delivery may have been questionable but the message was valid. I worked for the department. He was head of the department. Therefore, I worked for him and my job was to make him (and therefore the department) succeed.

A smart boss will find a way for employees to do this enthusiastically. However, being nice is not part of a manager’s job description. Just because your boss might not have a personality that makes your heart sing, it doesn’t mean that you get to decide whether or not you follow his instructions. (By the way, of COURSE you shouldn’t put up with any abuse or carry out any instructions that are illegal or unethical.)

When I was in my early 30’s, I got a new boss that everyone agreed was a jerk. He once told me that, even though I had the title of department manager, my job was that of a “glorified office manager” (his words) and that I was overpaid. I went to a friend of mine who was President of a very successful company and asked his advice on how to handle it. He said, “Just put your head down and do your job.” It was good advice. I did everything I could to make my new boss successful (admittedly with gritted teeth). My efforts were not enough. He got fired. I stayed. And the “higher ups” noticed I had been a team player during a difficult time.

Here are some ways to help your boss succeed:
1. Make sure the goals you are given are specific and measurable so that it’s very clear when you’ve achieved them.
2. Use the word “priority” versus “important” so that all are clear. Instead of, “How important is this?” ask “What priority does this have in relationship to my other tasks?”
3. Don’t vote on a request (even in your head if you can avoid it). Just do it. Preferably with a good attitude.

The Law of Attraction says, “You attract more of what you focus on.” If you are focused on making your boss/ department successful, how successful do you think you might be? Think of what THAT would do to your self-esteem!

What Mom Taught Me About Work

By Silver Rose

What Mom Taught Me About Work

While I was on my trip to China, my mother unexpectedly passed away. Fortunately, I had spent the week before her death escorting her on a trip to Atlanta to visit my sister and other relatives. We spent Easter together and a 5-hour plane ride there and back. Before I left for China, she called to tell me how much she appreciated my taking her to Atlanta. Her last words to me were, “I love you.”

The night she left this earth, Mom watched a Lawrence Welk re-run, went to bed around 10PM and never woke up. The coroner said there were no signs of distress; she slept through whatever it was that caused her death. I am hoping to make that a family tradition (just not too soon.)

Upon reflection, I think the cause of death was forced retirement. For 55 years of marriage, my mother took care of my dad. For much of their marriage, it was a part-time job as she raised 5 children and then went to work outside of the home. For the past 20 years, it was her full-time job. When my Dad died last July, my mom was out of a job and she didn’t like it. She was never comfortable without him to look after and even though she volunteered to do other things in the retirement home in which she lived, caring for my Dad was her career. It turns out it was her life.

Here are some of the things I learned about work by watching my Mom do her “job”:
· Acceptance. I never heard my mother complain about the things she did for Daddy. Oh, she definitely complained about Dad (he was not the easiest, let me tell you) but not about her tasks. She would have considered that rather silly. It was the work that had to be done, why question it? Why indeed.
· Appreciation Goes a Long Way. My Dad always let my mother know how much he appreciated her. I think it’s probably why she never complained about her tasks. If there is one thing I stress to managers and supervisors it’s that most people work for appreciation, not just a paycheck.
· Whenever Possible, Use the Supplies You’ve Got – If my mother ran a business the way she ran her household, there would be money in reserve instead of in excess inventory or too much office space. The offices would be utilitarian instead of for show. There would never be dozens of pens languishing in drawers, their ink drying up. There would be only enough paper for what was needed but it would be fully utilized. Instead of writing on one line and then tossing it away, it would be ripped in half and used for notepaper. My mother was one of the most fiscally responsible people I know. Sometimes I think she went overboard but she and my Dad managed, on blue collar salaries, to put enough money away to ensure comfort in their old age. How many of us are managing to do that?

Mostly what I learned from my Mom (and Dad, too) is that work is not a four-letter word. Work is something that is necessary and that can be very good for the soul. Having lived through the Depression, they were thrilled to have work, any work. They couldn’t afford the luxury of trying to decide whether it was the “right” work or not. If they could do it and it paid, then it was the right work.

Fortunately, we have more options than my parents’ generation. But are we using these options wisely? My mother always focused on her gratitude for each paycheck. So many of us focus on negatives. We gripe that we’re not paid enough, or that the government takes too many taxes. How fulfilling would our lives be if we were grateful for the work?

Remember, you attract more of what you focus on. My mother was grateful for what she had. When she passed away, she had a lot. Coincidence? Hardly.

Happy Mother’s Day, from the proud daughter of a career woman.

Transforming Duty into Pleasure

By Silver Rose

Transforming Duty into Pleasure

Atlanta, GA – I sat down to write this column in the midst of an amazing evening thunderstorm. I LOVE thunderstorms and have ever since I was a child. I clearly remember lying in bed on summer evenings in our Boston suburb home, barely able to breathe it was so hot. The air was completely still. Sticky with sweat, I would kick off the covers. Suddenly, I would hear it – the thunder – and I knew relief was on the way. I would watch the curtains start to flutter with a slight breeze. Then a few big raindrops would plop on the roof and the first streak of lightning would hit the sky. I would shiver with delight. I could lie there for hours watching and listening. I always knew something much bigger than all of us was talking directly to me.

This evening I caught myself ignoring the storm, nose to the grindstone, typing away at the computer. Suddenly, I thought, “WHAT are you doing? You LOVE thunderstorms and this will probably the only one during your short visit. ENJOY it!”
What to do? This was a dilemma. I still had to write this column. And yet…and yet…

I am now sitting in my friend’s beautiful rainroom (she calls it a sunroom) typing this on my laptop at 11PM EST. The rain is fiercely beating down on the two skylights. I am all alone. The rest of the household are in their bedrooms. Whenever I hear the thunder, I stop typing, look up, and wait for the lightning to put on its show.

I couldn’t be happier. And I’m working.

Certainly not everyone reading this has an opportunity to work somewhere other than their office. But what everyone reading this DOES have are opportunities to transform duty into pleasure.

What are yours? Could you, while doing your work:
· Play music you love?
· Have flowers on your desk and breathe in their sweet fragrance?
· Look up from time to time and enjoy the pictures on your desk or on your walls?
· Delight in the view from your window?
· Bask in the warmth of the heating unit during the winter and the cool air conditioner in the summer?

We all agree that we should take more time to “smell the roses,” but then act as if it’s impossible to do in our day-to-day work. We can, and should (for it will make us more productive) take time to enjoy our surroundings and breathe in the beauty around us, even as we work.

If you were to describe your workspace by what you are primarily focused on all day, what would it sound like? For some of you, it would be a gigantic computer screen.

For others, it would be a sea of paper. For still others, it would appear to be hordes of demanding people. By taking time to notice things beyond what is right beneath our noses, we begin to realize there is more to what we are doing than the work. There is the environment in which the work is happening. And that can be very pleasing if we take some time to make it so OR just observe that it already IS so.

The Law of Attraction says, “You attract more of what you focus on.” By focusing our attention, even for brief moments, on those things in our environment that please us, more of what pleases us will start to show up. And that would result in even more pleasure in the midst of performing our duties.

And even if none of that were true, it’s simply more fun to do it that way!

Self Care Through Self Talk

By Silver Rose

Self-Care Using Self-Talk

When I adopted my teenage foster daughters many years ago, I was certain they would have a profound impact on my life. I didn’t realize what an impact they would have on my work. Over the years, they have graciously allowed me to share with you the lessons they have learned along the way and some they have yet to learn. As a result, many people have greatly benefited. In this, my daughters are both great teachers.

My oldest, for example, suffers from mental illness. One of the symptoms is that, under extreme duress, she cuts her skin with a knife or sharp object. She tells me that doing so relieves the pressure she is experiencing. Her arms are scarred from this self-mutilation. Thankfully, the occurrences have decreased significantly over the years. However, once in awhile, she feels the need to do it again. When she did a few weeks ago, I started to think about it in the context of our own reactions to stress.

Most people are horrified to hear about this symptom of mental illness. However, I challenge you to look into your own lives and explore whether you might practice some version of self-mutilation that is less obvious.

For example, do you say any of the following self-abusive things to yourself (or to others about yourself)?
· I’m such an idiot.
· I’m so lazy.
· I’m so fat (overweight, out of shape, etc.)
· I’m so ugly or, I have no style.
· Everyone else is much smarter.
· I’ll never make it. I’ll never be much of anything.
· I’d lose my head it if weren’t attached to my neck.
· I’ll be late to my own funeral.
· I’m always procrastinating.
· I’m so screwed up.

I recently met a man who has an amazing flair for this. He will say things like, “What is wrong with me? I told my tax preparer I would check the returns and get them back to her right away and it took me a week to do it!” To which I reply, “Yes, but you DID it. Not only that, but your taxes were in the mail three weeks ahead of the April 15th deadline.” And he’ll ARGUE with me, “Yes, but I took so long!” He continually argues for his own ineptitude and invites others to agree with him. Fortunately, he has begun to notice it. The more I say to him, “Yes, but you DID it,” the more he can hear what a critical parent he is to himself. His automatic negative thinking is, “You don’t do anything when it’s supposed to be done.” Translation: there is something very wrong with you.

We live in an amazing time during which we have access to all sorts of information that will help us to heal deficits left over from childhood. Whatever our parents or teachers didn’t provide for us we can provide for ourselves. And yet, instead of noticing when we are improving, we are continually looking for things to criticize. If our boss or friends did the same thing, we would be outraged. And yet we somehow think it’s okay to cut ourselves. My daughter tells me, “At least when I do it, I’m in control of the pain.” As distorted as that thinking may sound about the act of cutting one’s skin, I think the act of critical self-talk has the same motivation. If WE are the ones criticizing, at least we are in control of the pain being inflicted. Yet, if we take it one step further, we will see that it would be better to stop the pain altogether. DON’T cut your skin. DON’T criticize yourself.

What’s the solution? Appreciative self-talk is one clear path to feeling better. You can even use humor to get there. Say things to yourself like, “You know, you used to be kind of an idiot but you’re actually good at several things now!” and then list them. If you cannot stop the self-criticism about something, then TAKE SOME ACTION.

If, for example, it is true that you are often late, then do something about it. Think what that will do for your self-confidence. The Law of Attraction works in the following way: if you are focused on the problem, you will attract more of the same.

Focus instead on the solution and watch self-mutilation be replaced with self-care.