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How NOT to Influence Others

Undeniably, the fastest way to decrease your influence with anyone is to give unsolicited advice. Whether or not you are in a leadership role, using questions, not directions are the better way to influence.  In fact, give it a try at home first. If you apply the process outlined below, your family will send me thank you notes.

Have you ever had this happen? You’ve given specific and clear directions to someone about how to perform a task. You’re pleased when that person even acknowledges your suggestions. Yet, when the task is completed, you discover it’s been done in a completely different way!

Margaret J. Wheatley, a writer and management consultant who specializes in Organizational Development has identified the three things others do with your ideas:

1. Ignore
2. Change
3. Criticize (this is the one that creates the most mischief)

Given this reality, why are you wasting your breath? The best quote about this type of situation came from one of my mentors, Esther Hicks who said,

“An answer to a question no one asked you is a wasted answer.”

2015 May 29 An answer to a question no one asked is copyThink about that. There you are sprinkling your fairy dust of “incredibly good ideas” over others. Are they paying any attention whatsoever? If they seem to be listening at all, it’s probably because they are formulating all the reasons why your idea won’t work. They may even be planning how they’re going to entertain co-workers later with, “You won’t believe what he suggested I do!”

If you doubt this, try an experiment–the next time you’re gifting someone with your good ideas about what they should do, pay very close attention to that person’s face. They may be looking right at you but are they listening? Better still, follow up to see whether they implemented your idea. You will likely find that they did one of the three things Wheatley has identified.

Here is the process for influencing:  instead of telling another how to perform a task, outline the end result you are expecting. Then ask, “What are some ways to get this done?”

Let’s say you need a co-worker to produce a report that lies within his/her area of responsibility. You’re not the boss but you need the report.  You say, “I need a report on ______________ by next Friday.  Can you walk me through some ways to make sure that happens?”

Or you need something from your boss and you know she doesn’t like “upward delegation.” Yet, she’s the only one who can provide what you need. You might say, “In order to finish X project, I need the following information _____________. Can you help me figure out a few ways to get it?”

Insider Tip #1:  (hold onto your hat!) People LOVE to be asked for their advice. That’s why we give it out for free–there are not nearly enough people asking us for it!

Insider Tip #2: Never ask for “the best solution” or “the solution” as if there is only one.When they think there is only one correct answer, people freeze; their minds problem-solve more effectively if asked for potential solutions (plural).

Passionate Self Care VI – Be Careful What You Feed Your Mind

I’ve made no secret of the fact that I am in recovery from 30 years of clinical depression.  Much of what I learned about keeping depression at bay is what I bring to my teaching whether the topic is Passionate Self-Care or Dancing With Change.

A few years back I learned something new that has helped me immeasurably in my quest to stay balanced.  It happened one day when I was in a foul mood. If you’ve ever been in this type of mood, you know it’s very different from a regular old bad mood—it’s like a bad mood on steroids—angry and ugly.  I couldn’t figure out what was causing it.  Nothing was going particularly wrong in my life. In fact, things were quite good.  And then it dawned on me.  For entertainment I had been listening to the latest James Patterson book on tape.

James Patterson is an incredible writer. He’s so good, in fact that all of the violent ugliness that took place in this book was all too real.  It felt as if I were a part of it and my brain reacted by releasing all the appropriate stress hormones that hit your system when you’re involved in or witness to violence.  I was in fight or flight mode and it was awful.

This was the day I realized that a good deal of my depression was self-inflicted.  The Law of Attraction says that you get more of what you focus on.  Choosing where to place your focus in essential to Passionate Self-Care.   We all know that, don’t we?  And yet most of us don’t practice it.  Take the news, for example. We think that following it keeps us well informed when in fact the news is simply someone else’s opinion about what happened.  It’s not “the truth” and it’s designed to whip us into an emotional frenzy. In fact, most of the news is none of our business.

We think violent movies, TV shows or games don’t hurt us but they do.  If they’re any good, they make you feel as if you are right there.  That’s great if you’re part of the dance sequence in Footloose but if you’re watching a movie where someone is being subjected to a horrific act it affects you mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. And once you get those images into your brain, they are there forever.  Ask anyone who suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) as I have and we will tell you—forever as in those images never go away. If that’s true, why not implant images that make you smile instead of grimace?

If you are truly serious about taking better care of yourself then being careful about what you feed your mind is a key component.  Watch movies and read books with happy endings or ones that are at least neutral.  Look for the good in others instead of the bad (including yourself).  Listen to happy music. If the paper’s lying around, read the comics or the Opinion Page but throw the front page into the garbage where it belongs.

When we do this are we denying the reality of how the world really is?  I say no.  What we are rejecting is the idea that life is mostly awful. We are saying to those who present it as such, “I’m no longer willing to listen to you.”  When I was in the midst of my worst depression my world was awful and most of it was self-created.  I watched maudlin movies, I read horrific books, I engaged in constant complaints disguised as intellectual discussions. My focus was on the travails of life and that’s precisely what I attracted.

Life is no different today but I am. Do I still have challenges? You bet I do. My life partner Bill has pancreatic cancer and it is terrifying.  What’s different is that I’m not making it worse by feeding my mind a load of self-pity or engaging in conversations about how unfair life is.  Do I talk about my fears to Bill and to dear friends?  Yes, I do.  But mostly I choose to focus on the incredible love we share and the fact that he’s here with me now.

The only real control any of us have has to do with what we feed our minds. Use this gift wisely and watch how wonderful life can be.

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Dancing with Passionate Self Care – II

Because the Law of Attraction says, “You get more of what you focus on,” a critically important component of Passionate Self Care is focus.  If you want to train yourself to recognize where your focus is, start by listening to conversations around you. What is the focus of each? Now look at the people holding those conversations. Are they a match to what they’re focused on?

Never is this so clear as when you listen to the elderly. Those who are having lengthy conversations about their aches and pains and pills and surgeries are the ones who are in the worst shape.

The ones who are talking about their gardens, pets, hobbies or grandchildren are vibrant and healthy.  They may have aches and pains but they don’t dwell on them. Because of that, their aches and pains are manageable.

Sullen teens are obsessed with how unfair life is and how ridiculous adults and their rules are. Well-adjusted teens are focused on sports, music, school, or sharing cool new trends with each other.

What are you and your friends focused on? Start listening to your words – those that come out of your mouth or those you type into email messages and texts. Will the recipient of your words be happy to hear from you or inwardly groan?

We all agree that we don’t like to be around negative people but many of us who express that sentiment ARE the negative ones people don’t like to be around. And we don’t even know it. How can that be? How is it that we can be primarily focused on the negative and unaware of it? It’s because it’s become a socially accepted habit.

The news media consistently focuses on the worst events. When we broadcast our own personal news, we seem somehow embarrassed to share what’s going well in our lives. Doctors are trained to look for what’s wrong versus ways for us to stay healthy. Managers, until recently, have been trained to focus on employees’ weaknesses instead of their strengths.

There’s a new trend in management I would like you to steal for your Passionate Self Care. It’s called Appreciative Inquiry. An example of how it’s being applied will help clarify what it is:

The traditional style of conducting an employee’s performance review consists of 10-15 minutes focus on what an employee does well (employees refer to this as “buttering us up for the kill”), with the balance of the meeting focused on everything the employee needs to improve. In other words, the manager mainly focuses on what’s NOT working versus what IS.

A manager who practices Appreciative Inquiry would flip the time. She would spend 10-15 minutes focused on what an employee needs to improve and the rest of the meeting on everything the employee does well and how to leverage those skills. This manager focuses on what IS working instead of what’s NOT.

When I talk about this in my workshops, people get very excited, “Yes, that’s what my supervisor needs to do.” They stop in their tracks when I tell them it works both ways. “What do you mean?” they ask.

If you want your supervisor to focus on what you’re doing well, you must also focus on what you are doing well. You can’t expect to attract a supervisor (or a mate, friend, or child for that matter) who focuses on your good qualities if you are continually focused on your failings. Remember, you get what you focus on. That includes getting people in your life who agree with your self-assessment.

Appreciative Inquiry is the daily practice of looking for what you like about a person, place or thing (and that includes you). As you begin to focus on what you appreciate, you’ll begin to attract more of that into your life.

Appreciation is a feeling that can only attract good things to you. As you begin this practice of appreciating your friends, your community, your house, your children, your health, your family, and on and on and on, you will begin to feel more energetic and more vibrant. The Law of Attraction says it can be no other way.

I can’t think of anything more important to Passionate Self Care than using Appreciative Inquiry in all that you do. Try it. You’ll see.

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