2
A Brilliant Example of Influence
Nightmare at the airport
If it hasn’t happened to you, you’ve read about it or it’s happened to someone you know: people stranded at a busy airport because their flight was cancelled. It happened to my friend Tom who handled it brilliantly. It’s a great example of how to influence others.
Negativity breeds more of the same
When Tom heard the announcement over the PA, his stomach sank. His flight was cancelled. It was late in the evening and, because he’s a seasoned business traveler, he knew the chance of other flights being available was pretty slim.
He watched as an all too familiar scene unfolded in front of him. Angry passengers were crowding the airline’s customer service desk being exceedingly rude to the unfortunate agents behind it. The agents, who had nothing to do with the cancellation, were losing patience. Tempers were flaring.
Think differently
Tom asked himself, “Who would know how to get me to my destination?” When the answer came to him, he grabbed his coat and briefcase and headed for the first customer service desk he saw that had agents standing behind it. Happily, their flight had just left and they had no customers waiting in line.
As he approached the desk, Tom glanced at the nametag of the agent who made eye contact with him, smiled and asked, “Sarah, can I ask you something?” Smiling back she said, “Of course.” In a pleasant tone of voice and without placing blame on anyone or anything, he laid out his dilemma: the flight cancellation, the fact that he needed to be in Detroit in the morning for an important business meeting, etc.
Then Tom posed a brilliant question, “If you were in my shoes, what would you do?”
People love to share their expertise
Tom, an executive in his company who had gotten to the C-Suite because of his strong leadership skills had learned a long time ago that people love almost any opportunity to share their expertise. Sure enough Sarah and the other agent Julio couldn’t wait to give Tom all of their inside tips and techniques to solve his problem. By the time he left their counter, he had a ticket for a flight that would guarantee his arrival in Detroit long before his meeting started.
Let other people solve your problem
I’ve written before about unsolicited advice, which most of us don’t like to receive. The reason there’s so much of it being offered is because we love to solve problems, particularly other people’s problems. So imagine actually being INVITED to do so. How thrilling! I can see you rubbing your hands together in happy anticipation.
Using influence as a win/win
The next time you have a thorny problem, ask yourself, “Who would know how to fix this?” and then ask them that wonderful question posed by Tom, ““If you were in my shoes, what would you do?” A solution you might not have thought of may be offered, and the person you ask will be pleased that you recognize his/her expertise.
One caveat
If someone provides a solution and you decide not to use it, or you’re not sure, let him/her know. Why? Because some people get offended if they think they’ve solved your problem and then find out you didn’t apply their advice. To avoid this you might say something like, “I really appreciate your thoughts on this. I’ll have to make the decision myself but your input helps me think it through.”
People love to help
Our society places great value on lending a hand. In the aftermath of natural disasters we see heart-warming stories about these acts of support in the news. If you think of it, many of the fairy tales that were read to us as children involve some kind of rescue scenario. Most of us cut our teeth on this concept.
When you ask people to help, you are giving them an opportunity to do something they enjoy. It is a win/win of the best kind.
Questions:
Your input helps me think through what I want to write about and I value it greatly. If you have time, please comment and answer one or both question:
- Have you used this approach yourself? What happened?
- If you used this approach at work, or at home, what do you think would happen?
Click here for PDF of this post.
For more information on having Silver work with your company on leadership or employee engagement, call 877-840-5416 or email: Info@SilverSpeaks.com
4
Influence as it Relates to Engagement
My bagel shop experience
Last week I went to a bagel shop for lunch. The young man behind the counter could barely muster up the small amount of energy required to accurately record my order. I ordered tea and he handed me a cup. I managed to find the tea bags on my own but when I went to the coffee bar, I discovered there was no hot water. Returning to the counter, I asked him about it and he replied, “Oh yeah, I need to do that from behind here.” Then (and this gave me hope for him) he asked if I wanted the cup filled to the brim. I replied, “No. Thanks for asking. Please leave some room for cream. “ He certainly did that—he left about four inches! Then I went back to the coffee bar only to find out there was no cream. So back I trotted to the counter…
These kids today—not!
Before you jump to conclusions about “youth today,” please understand that I have had similar scenarios played out in front of me when the employee tasked with helping me was my age or older. So, from my experience, it’s not generational. And it happens in corporate and government settings, not just fast food.
Leaders need to learn how to engage employees
It has to do with lack of engagement.
According to the 2015 Global Human Capital Trends1 study published in Deloitte University Press, “…employee engagement and culture issues exploded onto the scene, rising to become the No. 1 challenge around the world in our study,” with 87% of organizations citing it as one of their top challenges.
Kevin Kruse, in a Forbes magazine article2 defined the issue. “Employee engagement is the emotional commitment the employee has to the organization and its goals. This emotional commitment means engaged employees actually care about their work and their company. They don’t work just for a paycheck, or just for the next promotion, but work on behalf of the organization’s goals.” 2
Engagement and its relationship to influence
If you’re trying to influence someone, whether it’s your boss, a subordinate, a co-worker, your teen or your spouse, if that person is not engaged, then good luck! The conundrum is that, in order to engage others, you need to be able to influence them. One of the many benefits of influence is the ability to engage.
Engagement can be accomplished through fear or influence—your choice. Which is your leadership style? Fear will certainly get the job done but it’s a short-term gain. And doesn’t intimidation take a lot out of you? I might have tried to intimidate that young man into providing better service but the cost to my well-being for the rest of the day would have been too dear. I doubt he’d have felt any better, either.
Influence will ensure that the job gets done even when you’re not around.
The Law of Attraction and influence
The Law of Attraction dictates, “You get more of what you focus on.” If, when you are attempting to engage others you are doing so with the mindset that they need to be “fixed,” then what will continue to present itself is more evidence that they are broken and unable to meet the requirements of the job.
Start with the premise that everyone wants to be engaged!
Think about that for a moment. If you were given the choice between being fully involved and bored to distraction, which would you choose? The same is true for everyone but many do not know how to do this for themselves. That’s where your leadership skills come in as you influence them to get involved at a deeper level.
There are many things that keep people from engaging. One of the most important is that they have no say in how they do whatever it is you are asking them to do.
Allow them to “own” the job.
We bemoan the fact that others won’t take responsibility for their work and then we insist they do it our way. The quickest way to allow others to grab ownership of whatever you’re asking them to do is a two-step process:
Step 1 – Statement:
Here’s the end result I’m looking for: _____________________________
(make sure it’s achievable and measurable.
Step 2 – Question:
What do you think a good approach might be?
If the person is planning to use a method that’s against company policy or doesn’t take into consideration some pertinent facts, then some coaching from you is in order. However, if the only reason you want to correct his approach is because you have a better idea, then keep it to yourself. How is this person going to learn if you do all the thinking for him? And how can he experience self-worth if all he’s doing is carrying out someone else’s solution?
And what if (this is a sacrilege, I know) his idea turns out to be better than how you would have done it?
The thrill of seeing the spark ignite.
Nothing is more exciting or fulfilling than igniting a spark in someone else. In the case of engagement, you won’t always have a lighter at hand to create an instant flame. More often, it resembles the approach we learned in Scouting—two sticks patiently rubbed together until a spark catches the kindling.
And how satisfying when it happens!
I’d love to hear your experiences of how you have used your influence to spark someone’s engagement in a process or job. Tell me what worked and what didn’t.
Click here for PDF of this post.
For more information on having Silver work with your company on employee engagement, call 877-840-5416 or email: Info@SilverSpeaks.com
1 2015 Global Human Capital Trends – http://www2.deloitte.com/us/en/pages/human-capital/articles/introduction-human-capital-trends.html OR search: Deloitte 2015 Global Human Capital Trends
2 Kevin Kruse is the creator of the Leading for Employee Engagement eLearning program for managers. and author of the bestselling book, Employee Engagement 2.0. http://www.forbes.com/sites/kevinkruse/2012/06/22/employee-engagement-what-and-why/
What to Do Instead of Offering Advice
Giving unsolicited advice doesn’t lead to influence.
Whether trying to be a leader or simply a friend, offering unsolicited advice rarely works. When we try, it falls on deaf ears. That’s the best-case scenario. The worst-case scenario is that it triggers anger or resentment from the recipient of our brilliant solutions.
So what do you do if you want to help?
This is where the act of asking clarifying questions comes in.
When you ask clarifying questions, you are giving the other person an opportunity to think things through, perhaps uncovering an idea that hadn’t previously occurred to him. This is something at which good coaches excel.
Let’s face it, when faced with a stressful dilemma, we don’t always do our best thinking.
So what kinds of questions do you ask? To answer that very good question, let’s return to what we all learned in English class about writing good stories.
English 101: Remember the “four W’s and an H”?
WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE, WHY & HOW
These five words are all excellent beginnings for questions because they cannot be answered “yes” or “no.” Answering them requires some consideration.
Let’s say a co-worker comes to you really upset because the boss gave her negative feedback about a project. You truly want to lend support and your natural inclination is to give her reassuring advice like, “This is only one project; don’t take it so hard,” or “Consider the source; the boss is always negative.” Neither of these statements really helps your colleague to work through the issue.
Instead, you might ask questions like:
- How do you think you did on the project? You may hear something like, “Well, it wasn’t my best work, I have to admit that,” or “I thought it was perfectly fine.” Either way, you’re getting her to consider her role in the matter.
- Why do you think the boss was so upset? This gives her an opportunity to consider the situation from another viewpoint. Oftentimes, when we take the spotlight off our feelings we can begin to appreciate the reasoning behind the other person’s actions.
- What can you do about it? The answer might be, “Nothing,” and, once she realizes that, she can begin to move on. Or she might see a way to take some action that will help to mitigate the impact of her unacceptable performance. Your friend may be upset because she’s afraid and action cancels fear—every time.
- How can I support you? She might answer, “There’s really nothing you can do. I just wanted to vent” or “You’ve already helped me think this through. Are there any other things I should consider?” Again, you are supporting her in developing her own solution. Bravo!
The important thing to remember is NOT to try and cleverly hide your advice within a question. Suggesting a solution by asking, “Who do you think could put in a good word for you?” is just your sly way of giving your opinion. Curb your urge to do this. (It’s SO hard!) First of all, it might not be the greatest suggestion (what?!?!?) and secondly, it may fall on deaf ears. Finally, if she does take your suggestion and it makes things worse, who do you think she’s going to blame?
You’re trying to support, not do it for the other person. The best way to do that is to help them explore for themselves what the best course of action might be. This is Leadership 101 and an excellent way to practice your leadership skills.
I am eager to hear your experiences with this. Where have you given advice that helped, and when did it backfire? Have you used clarifying questions, and how has that worked?
Unsolicited advice KILLS influence
Earlier this week I caught myself giving unsolicited advice to my friend Tracy. She outlined a situation she was facing. Wanting to be the helpful friend, I “generously” gave her some ideas describing exactly what I thought she should do. Tracy didn’t ask me for my input and I didn’t ask if she wanted it. I simply launched into problem-solving mode. Sound familiar?
It didn’t appear to bother Tracy (or maybe I would have stopped—and that’s a big maybe) but, when I thought of it later, my actions bothered the heck out of me!
I truly believe what my mentor, Esther Hicks, teaches, “An answer to a question no one asked is a wasted answer.” Those of our friends who are polite simply act interested and continue to do whatever they want. Our annoyed friends hear in their heads, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,” endure our advice, roll their eyes when they walk away, and then do whatever they want. Either way, our good ideas fell on deaf ears.
And yet there I was, once again–NOT practicing what I preach!
Giving unsolicited advice or input has become such a part of our culture. Many of you have confessed to me an underlying fear that you might run out of things to talk about without it. Like the eager student who is thrilled when they know the answer, we want to be the one called on by the teacher. Except, when I gave Tracy the answer, I hadn’t been called on; I was that annoying “know it all” who blurts it out without being chosen.
The following is an exercise I use in some of my workshops that illustrates this beautifully.
The assignment is:
Pick a partner. Designate Person A and Person B.
Person A, you’re going to tell Person B a problem you’re having. Real or invented, it must be at least a little “juicy.” A chronic hangnail, for example, is too minor, although we all know people who could make even that a two-hour problem-solving fest. Make it a problem another person would understand and want to weigh in on; a problem they would know they could solve.
B’s, your job is to hear A’s problem, ask open-ended questions (questions that cannot be answered with a “yes” or “no”) and then truly listen. You are not allowed to try and solve A’s problem. You are not to offer potential solutions. And don’t try to give “hidden” answers in your question: “Have you tried _________?” (We think we’re very clever, don’t we?)
Every time I use this exercise, I am told, during the debriefing, how difficult it was not to solve the problem for the other person. This is true whether I am working with hourly personnel or executives. Many who pride themselves on having exceptional leadership skills actually have good command skills. They are not the same thing.
Men and women have difficulty with it for different reasons but the end result is the same. Men seem to be hard-wired to launch into “fix” mode whenever they hear a problem. It would be unusual for one man to say to another, for example, “I want to tell you a problem I’m having and I don’t want your advice; I just want you to listen.” The knee-jerk response of the recipient of this would be, “Then why even tell me?”
On the other hand, we women have been raised with mothers and other female authority figures who modeled for us a role of being helpful, the female version of “fix it.” We assume we are supposed to help friends solve problems.
Start paying attention to how often you answer questions no one asked, how quickly you dive into “fix it” mode. For most of us, the intention is good—to help—but think about how much you enjoy having someone help you in this way when you didn’t ask!
Next week, if you want my advice (tongue in cheek), I’ll describe what you may want to do instead of giving advice.
Feedback that doesn’t hurt
One way we influence others is through feedback. Feedback can be an effective tool for getting others to repeat behavior that pleases you. Some feedback is as simple as saying, “Thank you,” with a smile. At a restaurant you tell the server, “I really appreciate your keeping my water glass full.” You tell a co-worker, “I really like it when you ask me if I have time to talk instead of immediately launching into a conversation. I wish everyone would do that.”
Let me share with you a feedback tool I learned many years ago that is AMAZING in terms of being able to provide feedback without it being heard as criticism. The acronym for it is LBNT which stands for “like best/next time.” Here’s how it works:
We’ll start with leaders but keep reading if you’re not a manager. There are opportunities for you to use this tool, as well.
Leadership Skill: Performance Evaluations
Let’s say a staff member (we’ll call her Lupe) turned in a project to you and you’ve had a chance to review it. You set up a meeting with Lupe to review the results. If you’re like most, you start by telling her what you liked about her work. By the say, employees refer to this tactic as “being buttered up for the kill.” That’s because they know what’s coming next—a stinging (at least to their ears) critique of all the things that weren’t done well. Both you and Lupe walk away from this meeting dispirited. It wasn’t easy for you to tell her these things and it wasn’t easy for her to hear them.
LBNT is a tool that sets up a very different scenario. In the review meeting, you start by asking Lupe, “What did you like best about your work on this project?” She might answer, “I was proud of turning it in a week early.” This is great because, truth be told, you didn’t even notice that she’d turned it in early and now that you know, you can tell her how much you appreciate it (without, of course, mentioning that you didn’t even notice). You keep probing, “What else?” until she’s given you a picture of what she liked best about her performance. Then you ask, “What, if anything, would you do differently next time?” This is an opportunity for Lupe to “tell on herself.” Maybe she says, “I thought I could have researched the data on page 12 more thoroughly.” Without commenting, you continue to ask, “What else?” until she has given you HER OWN CRITIQUE of the project.
Here’s what’s so great about this. Lupe is doing her own performance evaluation! It is much kinder to allow her to do this herself versus hearing it from you. Additionally, you will gain valuable information: (1) details about the work that you didn’t notice; and (2) insight into the way Lupe thinks and works. This kind of feedback is an essential leadership skill.
Now it’s YOUR turn. You tell her what you liked best and what you would like to see next time. What you DON’T have to do is point out the issues Lupe already revealed in her own evaluation. If appropriate, you might comment on them and let her know if you agree or disagree. Maybe Lupe was too easy or too hard on herself. That would certainly be valuable feedback to give.
LBNT gives both parties a voice and a voice is what we all want.
What if you’re not a manager and wouldn’t have an opportunity for the scenario above? There are many opportunities to use LBNT—when family members do chores at home, for example. It wouldn’t be as formal as the meeting with Lupe—that would be weird—but it still works. Let’s say your son Malcolm cleaned his room after using up every excuse he had for NOT doing it. Here’s how the conversation after he’s done might go:
You: What did you like best about doing that?
Malcolm: Not a thing.
You: Well, if you DID like something about it, what would it be?
Malcolm: I found my iPod.
You: Great! What else?
Malcolm: I don’t know. I guess I like that I can see where things are now.
You: Okay, what will you do differently from now on?
Malcolm: Maybe keep it cleaner so it doesn’t get so bad.
You: Anything else?
Malcolm: Sheesh! Isn’t that enough?
You: Okay, what I liked best is that you did it without moaning the whole time. Finding that iPod was a blessing; once you put those ear buds in, you seemed to work faster. Also, I appreciate your going the extra step by carrying your hamper to the laundry room. And I agree with you. If you keep it cleaner as you go, you won’t have such a mess to clean up next time. I’m proud of you, son.
Note: I’ve outlined just two scenarios here–one to improve leadership skills and one for parenting skills. Use them as a model for how to do this in your own life. I’d love to hear back from you when you do.
P.S. You have my permission to anonymously slip this into your boss’ In Box. LOL.