Passionate Self Care VI – Be Careful What You Feed Your Mind
I’ve made no secret of the fact that I am in recovery from 30 years of clinical depression. Much of what I learned about keeping depression at bay is what I bring to my teaching whether the topic is Passionate Self-Care or Dancing With Change.
A few years back I learned something new that has helped me immeasurably in my quest to stay balanced. It happened one day when I was in a foul mood. If you’ve ever been in this type of mood, you know it’s very different from a regular old bad mood—it’s like a bad mood on steroids—angry and ugly. I couldn’t figure out what was causing it. Nothing was going particularly wrong in my life. In fact, things were quite good. And then it dawned on me. For entertainment I had been listening to the latest James Patterson book on tape.
James Patterson is an incredible writer. He’s so good, in fact that all of the violent ugliness that took place in this book was all too real. It felt as if I were a part of it and my brain reacted by releasing all the appropriate stress hormones that hit your system when you’re involved in or witness to violence. I was in fight or flight mode and it was awful.
This was the day I realized that a good deal of my depression was self-inflicted. The Law of Attraction says that you get more of what you focus on. Choosing where to place your focus in essential to Passionate Self-Care. We all know that, don’t we? And yet most of us don’t practice it. Take the news, for example. We think that following it keeps us well informed when in fact the news is simply someone else’s opinion about what happened. It’s not “the truth” and it’s designed to whip us into an emotional frenzy. In fact, most of the news is none of our business.
We think violent movies, TV shows or games don’t hurt us but they do. If they’re any good, they make you feel as if you are right there. That’s great if you’re part of the dance sequence in Footloose but if you’re watching a movie where someone is being subjected to a horrific act it affects you mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. And once you get those images into your brain, they are there forever. Ask anyone who suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) as I have and we will tell you—forever as in those images never go away. If that’s true, why not implant images that make you smile instead of grimace?
If you are truly serious about taking better care of yourself then being careful about what you feed your mind is a key component. Watch movies and read books with happy endings or ones that are at least neutral. Look for the good in others instead of the bad (including yourself). Listen to happy music. If the paper’s lying around, read the comics or the Opinion Page but throw the front page into the garbage where it belongs.
When we do this are we denying the reality of how the world really is? I say no. What we are rejecting is the idea that life is mostly awful. We are saying to those who present it as such, “I’m no longer willing to listen to you.” When I was in the midst of my worst depression my world was awful and most of it was self-created. I watched maudlin movies, I read horrific books, I engaged in constant complaints disguised as intellectual discussions. My focus was on the travails of life and that’s precisely what I attracted.
Life is no different today but I am. Do I still have challenges? You bet I do. My life partner Bill has pancreatic cancer and it is terrifying. What’s different is that I’m not making it worse by feeding my mind a load of self-pity or engaging in conversations about how unfair life is. Do I talk about my fears to Bill and to dear friends? Yes, I do. But mostly I choose to focus on the incredible love we share and the fact that he’s here with me now.
The only real control any of us have has to do with what we feed our minds. Use this gift wisely and watch how wonderful life can be.
Passionate Self-Care IV – Who has the time?
In my last posting I talked about rituals as keys to Passionate Self Care. I mostly focused on big rituals like developing your action plan for the day or week. I made the observation that in a world where change is constant, rituals are a way for us to feel as if we are in control.
Since then, I’ve been thinking about how incredibly busy we are. Some of these big rituals are wonderful in theory but daunting in terms of fitting them into an already jam-packed life. So how can we enjoy the benefits of rituals without feeling as if each is just one more thing to do?
Let’s talk about small rituals. These are the ones we can incorporate into what we already do, turning ordinary events into moments of pure bliss. Here are a few examples:
Your morning beverage. 
Ever since age nine when my British Aunt Jeanne taught me how to brew and pour tea, I have loved my first cup each morning. She served me a very watered-down version of what she herself was drinking but today I brew for the maximum impact. This morning it occurred to me that I’m not taking full advantage of this wonderful daily occurrence. Instead of the usual—taking a slug of tea while hurriedly preparing my breakfast, I stopped, stood still, closed my eyes and fully savored that first sip of tea. It was so heavenly I did the same for sips two and three. What an easy way to practice passionate self-care.
Showers or baths. I have no idea who invented these two marvels but, in my opinion, there should be a statue erected in his/her honor in every town square in the world. Who doesn’t love this indulgence? You spend the same amount of time whether you unconsciously bathe or consciously enjoy every second. Think about the temperature of the water on your skin, the way the soap feels and smells, and the pure luxury. Another simple way to practice passionate self-care.
Getting into bed. When we were children, it seemed like a punishment. Have you noticed how much you look forward to it now that you’re an adult? And yet, do we truly bask in the feeling of getting into bed? Another everyday occurrence that, when practiced consciously can bring great pleasure and a feeling of being very well taken care of. How about stretching when you get under the covers? Heave a great big sigh of pleasure. Moan if that feels good but however you do it, take the time to bask in the sweet feeling of laying your head on your pillow and drifting off to sleep.
What do these things have in common? Being awake to each gift that comes your way. There are so many lovely things in our lives and yet we become pretty blasé’ about most of them. What if passionate self-care were as simple as noticing each simple pleasure?
Maybe it is.
Write and let me know what your simple pleasures are. I’d love to read about them!
Dancing with Passionate Self Care – II
Because the Law of Attraction says, “You get more of what you focus on,” a critically important component of Passionate Self Care is focus. If you want to train yourself to recognize where your focus is, start by listening to conversations around you. What is the focus of each? Now look at the people holding those conversations. Are they a match to what they’re focused on?
Never is this so clear as when you listen to the elderly. Those who are having lengthy conversations about their aches and pains and pills and surgeries are the ones who are in the worst shape.
The ones who are talking about their gardens, pets, hobbies or grandchildren are vibrant and healthy. They may have aches and pains but they don’t dwell on them. Because of that, their aches and pains are manageable.
Sullen teens are obsessed with how unfair life is and how ridiculous adults and their rules are. Well-adjusted teens are focused on sports, music, school, or sharing cool new trends with each other.
What are you and your friends focused on? Start listening to your words – those that come out of your mouth or those you type into email messages and texts. Will the recipient of your words be happy to hear from you or inwardly groan?
We all agree that we don’t like to be around negative people but many of us who express that sentiment ARE the negative ones people don’t like to be around. And we don’t even know it. How can that be? How is it that we can be primarily focused on the negative and unaware of it? It’s because it’s become a socially accepted habit.
The news media consistently focuses on the worst events. When we broadcast our own personal news, we seem somehow embarrassed to share what’s going well in our lives. Doctors are trained to look for what’s wrong versus ways for us to stay healthy. Managers, until recently, have been trained to focus on employees’ weaknesses instead of their strengths.
There’s a new trend in management I would like you to steal for your Passionate Self Care. It’s called Appreciative Inquiry. An example of how it’s being applied will help clarify what it is:
The traditional style of conducting an employee’s performance review consists of 10-15 minutes focus on what an employee does well (employees refer to this as “buttering us up for the kill”), with the balance of the meeting focused on everything the employee needs to improve. In other words, the manager mainly focuses on what’s NOT working versus what IS.
A manager who practices Appreciative Inquiry would flip the time. She would spend 10-15 minutes focused on what an employee needs to improve and the rest of the meeting on everything the employee does well and how to leverage those skills. This manager focuses on what IS working instead of what’s NOT.
When I talk about this in my workshops, people get very excited, “Yes, that’s what my supervisor needs to do.” They stop in their tracks when I tell them it works both ways. “What do you mean?” they ask.
If you want your supervisor to focus on what you’re doing well, you must also focus on what you are doing well. You can’t expect to attract a supervisor (or a mate, friend, or child for that matter) who focuses on your good qualities if you are continually focused on your failings. Remember, you get what you focus on. That includes getting people in your life who agree with your self-assessment.
Appreciative Inquiry is the daily practice of looking for what you like about a person, place or thing (and that includes you). As you begin to focus on what you appreciate, you’ll begin to attract more of that into your life.
Appreciation is a feeling that can only attract good things to you. As you begin this practice of appreciating your friends, your community, your house, your children, your health, your family, and on and on and on, you will begin to feel more energetic and more vibrant. The Law of Attraction says it can be no other way.
I can’t think of anything more important to Passionate Self Care than using Appreciative Inquiry in all that you do. Try it. You’ll see.
Dancing with Blaze
In my July 28th blog, I asked readers to send me answers to the following question: “What could I do instead of worrying? What might be some behaviors that would be more useful?”
I want to share with you a response from Missouri reader Joy Gilzow that touched my heart at a very deep level:
Instead of worrying, we pray and trust God…and plan celebrations. I was 20 weeks into my pregnancy and learned that my son was going to be born with half a heart. After his birth there would be a series of risky surgeries, 3 in all, at different stages of his young life. Of course we were devastated. At that moment I didn’t know, do we even plan a nursery? I cried all the way home and threw myself down on the bed and sobbed out to God. My son started kicking the stuffing out of me, as if to say, “I’m here! Don’t count me out!” I picked myself up and dried my tears. The next day I sent out a blue-background email, announcing that we were having a boy. It also explained his condition, asking people to please pray and telling them how blessed we were to have them in our lives. I spent the rest of that day shopping for my baby boy.
That was over three years ago.
Tomorrow night, in honor of having all three surgeries finally behind us, we are celebrating the milestone by going to an “Imagination Movers” concert. We’re getting to meet them backstage before the show. We haven’t told Blaze, who turned 3 on the 17th of July, that he gets to meet them; we’re going to let that part be a surprise.
Blaze on Daddy’s Shoulders-Imagination Movers Concert
Blaze is a happy, affectionate, mischievous little boy. He’s on the small side for his age, but he’s mighty, and expected to have a full, healthy life. He’s been growing like a weed since his final open-heart surgery last month. He gets to start daycare/preschool the end of August. No one looking at him realizes anything is “wrong.”
It hasn’t been easy, but it was totally worth it. Worrying would have defeated us. We celebrate and offer thanks. God is so good and answered the prayers that were raised up to Him. I am so grateful.
My favorite part of Joy’s story is when the yet-to-be-born Blaze started “kicking the stuffing” out of her. It makes me laugh and cry at the same time.
The best tip from Joy is “plan celebrations;” there are few better ways to Change Your Focus; Change Your Life. When you celebrate, you are putting your full attention on what you want. The more you celebrate, the more the things you want come your way. Blaze was born into celebration and look at all he’s accomplished in his short life? (How many three year-olds do YOU know that got to see the Imagination Movers, let alone meet them backstage? That, my friends, is the power of focus.)
All the happiness research coming out of such esteemed institutions as Harvard and University of Pennsylvania point to the fact that what actually makes us happy is significantly different than what we think. Additionally, what we think will destroy us rarely does. Initially, Joy was devastated. That word says everything. And yet, she was able to turn that initial reaction into a response: my boy is coming and I’m getting ready for him.
At the top of researchers’ lists of what makes us happy is “service to others” and Joy’s family has been of service to little Blaze since before he was born. All good parents are, of course, but there is a much keener awareness when a child is born with challenges. The family becomes primarily focused on a singular goal – the health of their child—and the ordinary problems that bug the rest of us fade into the background for them.
So the next time you are wasting time worrying about what might happen or is going to happen or DID happen, I want you to remember that big smile on Blaze’s face and ask yourself, “When I get to the other side of this, how will I celebrate?”
Many thanks to Joy for sharing this wonderful story. Please give Blaze a high-five from all of us. The Imagination Movers were lucky they got to meet him.