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Transforming Duty into Pleasure

By Silver Rose

Transforming Duty into Pleasure

Atlanta, GA – I sat down to write this column in the midst of an amazing evening thunderstorm. I LOVE thunderstorms and have ever since I was a child. I clearly remember lying in bed on summer evenings in our Boston suburb home, barely able to breathe it was so hot. The air was completely still. Sticky with sweat, I would kick off the covers. Suddenly, I would hear it – the thunder – and I knew relief was on the way. I would watch the curtains start to flutter with a slight breeze. Then a few big raindrops would plop on the roof and the first streak of lightning would hit the sky. I would shiver with delight. I could lie there for hours watching and listening. I always knew something much bigger than all of us was talking directly to me.

This evening I caught myself ignoring the storm, nose to the grindstone, typing away at the computer. Suddenly, I thought, “WHAT are you doing? You LOVE thunderstorms and this will probably the only one during your short visit. ENJOY it!”
What to do? This was a dilemma. I still had to write this column. And yet…and yet…

I am now sitting in my friend’s beautiful rainroom (she calls it a sunroom) typing this on my laptop at 11PM EST. The rain is fiercely beating down on the two skylights. I am all alone. The rest of the household are in their bedrooms. Whenever I hear the thunder, I stop typing, look up, and wait for the lightning to put on its show.

I couldn’t be happier. And I’m working.

Certainly not everyone reading this has an opportunity to work somewhere other than their office. But what everyone reading this DOES have are opportunities to transform duty into pleasure.

What are yours? Could you, while doing your work:
· Play music you love?
· Have flowers on your desk and breathe in their sweet fragrance?
· Look up from time to time and enjoy the pictures on your desk or on your walls?
· Delight in the view from your window?
· Bask in the warmth of the heating unit during the winter and the cool air conditioner in the summer?

We all agree that we should take more time to “smell the roses,” but then act as if it’s impossible to do in our day-to-day work. We can, and should (for it will make us more productive) take time to enjoy our surroundings and breathe in the beauty around us, even as we work.

If you were to describe your workspace by what you are primarily focused on all day, what would it sound like? For some of you, it would be a gigantic computer screen.

For others, it would be a sea of paper. For still others, it would appear to be hordes of demanding people. By taking time to notice things beyond what is right beneath our noses, we begin to realize there is more to what we are doing than the work. There is the environment in which the work is happening. And that can be very pleasing if we take some time to make it so OR just observe that it already IS so.

The Law of Attraction says, “You attract more of what you focus on.” By focusing our attention, even for brief moments, on those things in our environment that please us, more of what pleases us will start to show up. And that would result in even more pleasure in the midst of performing our duties.

And even if none of that were true, it’s simply more fun to do it that way!

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Self Care Through Self Talk

By Silver Rose

Self-Care Using Self-Talk

When I adopted my teenage foster daughters many years ago, I was certain they would have a profound impact on my life. I didn’t realize what an impact they would have on my work. Over the years, they have graciously allowed me to share with you the lessons they have learned along the way and some they have yet to learn. As a result, many people have greatly benefited. In this, my daughters are both great teachers.

My oldest, for example, suffers from mental illness. One of the symptoms is that, under extreme duress, she cuts her skin with a knife or sharp object. She tells me that doing so relieves the pressure she is experiencing. Her arms are scarred from this self-mutilation. Thankfully, the occurrences have decreased significantly over the years. However, once in awhile, she feels the need to do it again. When she did a few weeks ago, I started to think about it in the context of our own reactions to stress.

Most people are horrified to hear about this symptom of mental illness. However, I challenge you to look into your own lives and explore whether you might practice some version of self-mutilation that is less obvious.

For example, do you say any of the following self-abusive things to yourself (or to others about yourself)?
· I’m such an idiot.
· I’m so lazy.
· I’m so fat (overweight, out of shape, etc.)
· I’m so ugly or, I have no style.
· Everyone else is much smarter.
· I’ll never make it. I’ll never be much of anything.
· I’d lose my head it if weren’t attached to my neck.
· I’ll be late to my own funeral.
· I’m always procrastinating.
· I’m so screwed up.

I recently met a man who has an amazing flair for this. He will say things like, “What is wrong with me? I told my tax preparer I would check the returns and get them back to her right away and it took me a week to do it!” To which I reply, “Yes, but you DID it. Not only that, but your taxes were in the mail three weeks ahead of the April 15th deadline.” And he’ll ARGUE with me, “Yes, but I took so long!” He continually argues for his own ineptitude and invites others to agree with him. Fortunately, he has begun to notice it. The more I say to him, “Yes, but you DID it,” the more he can hear what a critical parent he is to himself. His automatic negative thinking is, “You don’t do anything when it’s supposed to be done.” Translation: there is something very wrong with you.

We live in an amazing time during which we have access to all sorts of information that will help us to heal deficits left over from childhood. Whatever our parents or teachers didn’t provide for us we can provide for ourselves. And yet, instead of noticing when we are improving, we are continually looking for things to criticize. If our boss or friends did the same thing, we would be outraged. And yet we somehow think it’s okay to cut ourselves. My daughter tells me, “At least when I do it, I’m in control of the pain.” As distorted as that thinking may sound about the act of cutting one’s skin, I think the act of critical self-talk has the same motivation. If WE are the ones criticizing, at least we are in control of the pain being inflicted. Yet, if we take it one step further, we will see that it would be better to stop the pain altogether. DON’T cut your skin. DON’T criticize yourself.

What’s the solution? Appreciative self-talk is one clear path to feeling better. You can even use humor to get there. Say things to yourself like, “You know, you used to be kind of an idiot but you’re actually good at several things now!” and then list them. If you cannot stop the self-criticism about something, then TAKE SOME ACTION.

If, for example, it is true that you are often late, then do something about it. Think what that will do for your self-confidence. The Law of Attraction works in the following way: if you are focused on the problem, you will attract more of the same.

Focus instead on the solution and watch self-mutilation be replaced with self-care.

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The Thrill of Mastery

By Silver Rose

The Thrill of Mastery

I’d like to continue the discussion about self-esteem and talk about mastery and its impact on self-esteem.

Most of us don’t think of ourselves as masters and that is a shame because every single one of us has areas in which we are masters.

There are masterful data entry clerks, janitors, doctors, retail clerks, entertainers, telemarketers (I’m serious!), social workers, students, parents, secretaries, scientists, managers – pick any profession and there are people who have achieved mastery in that field.

We seem only to respect mastery when it is something very public. We admire Pavarotti and his magnificent voice or Diane Keaton and her brilliant acting. Yet all of us are masters of something and we are robbing ourselves of self esteem when we don’t acknowledge it.

There are few more pleasant experiences than being waited on in a restaurant by a server who is at the top of his game. I don’t care whether it’s Denny’s or The Ritz Carlton, the pleasure is exquisite. And yet, I wonder if the server at Denny’s enjoys or even acknowledges his mastery as much as the waiter at the Ritz Carlton who is well paid for his. Does the server at Denny’s know his own mastery?

Once you are willing to acknowledge your mastery you begin to grow your self-esteem. It is not conceited. It is not self-centered. It is simply an acknowledgement that you have a gift. And gifts are to be enjoyed.

Therein is what I see as a great source of low self-esteem. Those who suffer from it do not acknowledge their own gifts. Truthfully, they don’t even see them. They are invisible. Until we are able to acknowledge and enjoy our gifts, we remain in a cycle of low self-esteem.

How do you find out what your gift is? Ask yourself the following question: What is something I can do effortlessly and well every time?” I promise you, it is something that hordes of other people would find difficult and maybe even impossible. For many of you, there will be more than one thing.

Most of us discount our gifts. I first noticed this when I was raising my teenage foster daughters. They were troubled teens and I noticed early on that if they were good at something, they were convinced that everyone else in the world could do it and that it had no value. I have artwork from both girls that is incredible. Myself,

I cannot draw a stick figure accurately. Yet these two talented artists had difficulty understanding that their art work represented a gift they had been given and developed.

I’m going to tell you a secret. There is no greater thrill than fully experiencing your own mastery. It is delicious. When you are able to say to yourself, “I’m REALLY good at this,” and experience that understanding at a cellular level, it is as close to heaven on earth as it gets. It’s the same feeling you get when you notice the gifts of your loved ones. And shouldn’t you be one of your own loved ones?

It doesn’t matter what “this” is. It only matters that you acknowledge and celebrate that you are good at it.

When I was in High School, I suffered from low self-esteem. Like many teens, (I found out years later) I thought I was stupid, clumsy and hopeless. I can still vividly remember the THRILL I received my first semester of typing when I discovered I had talent in this area. Finally! Something I could excel at! I loved every second of it. Today, I type 100 WPM and am still enjoying it. My point is, that THRILL I experienced was the acknowledgement that I had a gift

A gift is thrilling by itself but it takes (1) acknowledgement and (2) celebration for it to be so.

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Attracting Self-Esteem

By Silver Rose

Attracting Self-Esteem

On February 1st, I set a goal for myself to lose 25 pounds. There were a number of very good reasons for me to want to achieve this goal and to date, I’m well on my way having lost sixteen.

Here is what I’ve noticed. My self-esteem has risen considerably and not for the reasons I expected. Sure, I’m happy to look better but honestly, I was so good at hiding my excess weight that most people don’t even notice I’ve slimmed down. And sure, I’m glad to feel better now that I’m eating well and working out. But those are not the reasons for my rise in self-esteem.

I wish I could tell you this is an epiphany for me but alas, it is not. I have known for some time that setting goals and sticking with them until they are achieved raises one’s self-esteem. However, like so many of us, I carry the keys to improving my life and still try to open that door by crossing my arms, blinking my eyes, and hoping it will work like it does for magical genies. That’s why so many fad solutions sell so many books – we all hope for that one plan that will allow us to do whatever we want and still achieve our goals.

So what if we went on a living plan (similar to a food plan) that will build our self-esteem? What might that look like? What if all it takes to lead a happier life and attract self-esteem is to set and achieve small goals all day long such as:

· Getting up early enough to do what we want to in the morning such as exercise, eat a good breakfast, spend time with loved ones, etc.
· Planning enough time for our commute that we get to work on time, without stress.
· Identifying at the start of each day the top 3 things we need to accomplish in order to feel we’ve had a productive day, and then doing them.
· Setting and achieving a goal to take our morning, lunch, and afternoon breaks without guilt.
· Setting a goal to get home at a certain time and getting there. (You know you’ve been bad at this if your family says, “You’re home early. What’s wrong?” )
· Setting a goal to be at work when you’re at work and at home when you are home and not the opposite, and sticking to it.

The point is, in addition to striving toward and achieving new goals, you want to also take emotional credit for the goals you set and achieve each day as a matter of course. And celebrate the achievement! Too often, our focus is on what we haven’t done versus what we have. That would be fine if it weren’t for The Law of Attraction which says, “You attract what you focus on.” The longer you stay focused on what you haven’t done, the more things to be done you are attracting!

Now, maybe you think your self-esteem needs no improvement. That’s a little bit like humility – if you think you’ve got it, you don’t. It’s the same with strong self-esteem. Those who have it work to keep it and would never say, “This is good enough.”

If you’re looking for a reason to build your self-esteem, try this one: most stress is a self-esteem issue. The majority of stress comes from feeling out of control and like we have no say in what is impacting our lives. In other words, although most of us would never admit it, when we are stressed, we feel as if “the world is doing it to us.”

But if we are “doing it” to ourselves, if we lack the self-esteem and self-respect to achieve the goals we have set, how can we demand respect from the rest of the world? The Law of Attraction deems that impossible.

Set small goals. Achieve them. Celebrate. Attract more self-esteem. Set additional small goals (they’ll be a bit bigger than the last ones). Achieve them. Celebrate. Attract even more self-esteem. You’ll cast a wide net within which you will attract all the self-esteem you deserve.

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Kindness as a Gateway

By Silver Rose

Kindness as a Gateway
to
Attracting What You Want
I watched Dr. Wayne Dyer on PBS last night conducting his new workshop on the topic of intention. By the way, his work parallels mine completely and I strongly encourage you to take advantage of any opportunity to see him or read his books.
Wayne gave some information that will probably not surprise you but which you may find intriguing, as I did. He said that studies have shown that when a person receives a kindness, their serotonin levels go up. Seratonin is a hormone that acts as a natural tranquilizer and gives us a feeling of well being. According to Dr. Daniel Amen in his book, Change Your Brain, Change Your Life, “Depression, according to the simple bio-chemical model, is due to a lack of serotonin.”
Not only does the serotonin increase for the person receiving the kindness but it also increases for the person extending the kindness. It gets even better. If you witness a kindness, your serotonin level goes up, as well. It seems the old adage, “A good deed is a reward unto itself,” is true.
When you combine this information with the universal Law of Attraction which says, “You attract what you focus on,” it becomes very powerful to both extend kindness and to look for it in the world.
I started to think about this in the context of my own life. One of the phenomena I’ve been wrestling with since the death of an elderly relative two years ago is just how much I miss the act of caring for her and also for my two foster daughters who were with me at the time. It was hard work. There were many sleepless nights. There was economic deprivation. And yet, when I look back on that time, I was happier than I’ve ever been. I’ve often questioned why and certainly I had some ideas. I knew it had something to do with being of service. I understood that I was too busy to indulge in feeling sorry for myself. And I felt proud of what I was doing.
When I heard Dyer explain about the link between kindness and serotonin, it all made sense to me. Not only was I increasing my own serotonin by being kind to my loved ones but I was increasing theirs, as well. In turn, they were kind to me, creating a reciprocal effect. Additionally, I witnessed many people outside the immediate family who were kind to us all and it often brought tears of gratitude to my eyes.
I now see kindness as a gateway to attracting what you want. You see, the only reason we want what we want is because we think it will make us feel good to have it. Because of the way the Law of Attraction works, you cannot attract something that will make you feel good if you are feeling bad. There is simply no match; opposites do NOT attract, no matter how you try. Therefore, in order to attract whatever you want, it is imperative that you stay in a good mood as much as possible. It seems one of the easier ways to do that is to practice kindness and to look for kindness in the world. Your serotonin will naturally increase, you’ll feel good and you will begin attracting even more of what will make you feel good.
Indeed, when I was taking care of others, more of the things I wanted were coming my way. Now that I have all the time in the world to think about ME and MY needs, less of what I want is showing up. I knew it was the Law of Attraction at work but I was struggling for how to turn it around. Now I see the simple answer.
By the way, I want to ensure that kind acts include being kind to yourself. No matter how kindly you are to others, if you are internally “beating yourself up,” it won’t work. You must also practice random acts of kindness when practicing self-care. In fact, it is much easier to be kind to others when you are kind to yourself as a regular practice.
This week, make it your job to practice kindnesses. And watch the magic happen.
Silver