Passionate Self Care IX – Basking-A Delicious Part of Passionate Self Care
Bask vi. To expose oneself pleasantly to warmth, another’s favor, etc.
Because the Law of Attraction dictates that you get more of what you focus on, you can best leverage it by doing everything in your power to stay in a good mood. When we are feeling good we can only attract into our lives other circumstances and things that also feel good.
Basking is actively feeling good. You cannot bask unconsciously. By its very nature, basking requires you to be conscious of how pleasant you are feeling in the moment.
If you want to see what basking looks like follow a cat around for a few hours—cats have taken basking to an art form. They lie in the sun at any opportunity. They will stretch and preen when they are being petted. You can hear audible evidence of their basking–it’s called purring.
Family occasions often trigger basking. At weddings, you’ll see a parent basking in the knowledge that their child has married well. At family reunions, if you look, you will sometimes see one person sitting and drinking it all in–the laughter, the hugs, the dancing–basking in how much love there is in the room.
Musical performances, art museums, sporting events, children’s plays, a day by the seashore– all places where people bask. Those who have learned this skill are deeply contented. No matter what is going on around them, they always seem able to find something to warm their hearts.
You wouldn’t think the kitchen would necessarily be a place to bask but for those who love to cook, it is. I’m not one of those people. However, since my honey Bill was diagnosed with cancer, I’ve begun to cook in earnest. The part I dislike the most is the prep work, particularly what’s involved in preparing fresh vegetables for a nutritious salad. So instead of doing it every day, l prepare, clean, cut and chop every 3-4 days. Last week I decided I would really make it fun. I put my laptop on the kitchen counter and downloaded a stand-up comedy show from Netflix. I chopped and laughed, cut and laughed (thankfully, not any of my fingers) and I generally had a good time.
What less-than-fun tasks do you have in your life that basking could transform? For example, do you love music? When you have to do something you dislike could you put some music on to make the task more pleasurable? (if you REALLY want to have fun, dance to the music!)
If you enjoy working on a team, are there things in your life that you could enlist a team to help with? Be creative. Look to see where it is that you naturally bask and see if you can bring more of that into other areas of your life.
My friend Sara always hated to exercise but loves the outdoors. She read about an athlete in her hometown who lost the use of his legs and transferred his sport to wheelchair racing. She decided right then and there that she would never take her legs for granted again. She started hiking every day. Not only did she naturally bask in being outdoors, she also began to bask in the feeling of using her legs. She loved the feeling of the muscles working so well together. She loved the slight burn when she went up and down hills. And she certainly loved the sights and smells of the various places she hiked. Today she loves to exercise.
You needn’t do anything so ambitious. Basking is reward in itself. The more you bask, the better your life will be. You don’t have to wait and hope to come back in your next life as a cat or a dog (a desire I hear from many people). Start to bask and you’ll be living “a dog’s life”.
Basking each and every day will do more to attract what you want in your life than 16 hours of hard work that you begrudge. Like attracts like–that’s the most important thing to remember.
I’d love to hear how YOU bask. Write and let me know!
This is the ninth installment in my series on Passionate Self Care. Go to http://silverspeaks.com/blogs/ for related articles.
Passionate Self Care VIII – Position Your Body to Serve You
Did you know that your brain does not know the difference between pretend and reality? When, for example, you adopt a posture of self-confidence, your brain responds by sending these lovely chemicals that actually make you feel self-confident! By the same token, when your body is slumped in a look of defeat, your brain responds with some decidedly unlovely chemicals that reinforce your feelings.
If you were crazy enough to allow it, I could teach you how to put yourself into a state of depression.
All you would need to do is slump your shoulders, collapse your core so it’s mushy, cast your eyes down, frown and breathe very shallow. Within minutes, I guarantee you would feel down. If you do it for a long enough period of time, you will be depressed.
On the flip side, if you are already feeling down, you can quickly pull out of it by doing the opposite: sit or stand up straight, pull your stomach muscles tight, look out at the world, smile broadly and breathe deeply. Within minutes your mood will lift. Imagine how great you’d feel if you did that for a long period of time.
Here are some other physical “tricks” that will quickly elevate your mood:
Sing. When you sing, your brain gets the message you are in a good mood.- Laugh. This is a quick way to go from feeling stressed to feeling blessed.
- Extend the hand of friendship. Doing for others is guaranteed to elevate your mood.
- Dance. You can’t dance without music and when your brain hears music with a dance beat, it makes you—well, want to dance!
- Hang out with happy children. Kids have their priorities straight—it’s all about what makes them happy.
The Law of Attraction says that you get more of what you focus on. When you position your body to “act as if” you immediately shift your brain’s focus. Ask yourself how you want to feel, adjust your body accordingly and watch how quickly you feel the way you want.
Passionate Self-Care IV – Who has the time?
In my last posting I talked about rituals as keys to Passionate Self Care. I mostly focused on big rituals like developing your action plan for the day or week. I made the observation that in a world where change is constant, rituals are a way for us to feel as if we are in control.
Since then, I’ve been thinking about how incredibly busy we are. Some of these big rituals are wonderful in theory but daunting in terms of fitting them into an already jam-packed life. So how can we enjoy the benefits of rituals without feeling as if each is just one more thing to do?
Let’s talk about small rituals. These are the ones we can incorporate into what we already do, turning ordinary events into moments of pure bliss. Here are a few examples:
Your morning beverage. 
Ever since age nine when my British Aunt Jeanne taught me how to brew and pour tea, I have loved my first cup each morning. She served me a very watered-down version of what she herself was drinking but today I brew for the maximum impact. This morning it occurred to me that I’m not taking full advantage of this wonderful daily occurrence. Instead of the usual—taking a slug of tea while hurriedly preparing my breakfast, I stopped, stood still, closed my eyes and fully savored that first sip of tea. It was so heavenly I did the same for sips two and three. What an easy way to practice passionate self-care.
Showers or baths. I have no idea who invented these two marvels but, in my opinion, there should be a statue erected in his/her honor in every town square in the world. Who doesn’t love this indulgence? You spend the same amount of time whether you unconsciously bathe or consciously enjoy every second. Think about the temperature of the water on your skin, the way the soap feels and smells, and the pure luxury. Another simple way to practice passionate self-care.
Getting into bed. When we were children, it seemed like a punishment. Have you noticed how much you look forward to it now that you’re an adult? And yet, do we truly bask in the feeling of getting into bed? Another everyday occurrence that, when practiced consciously can bring great pleasure and a feeling of being very well taken care of. How about stretching when you get under the covers? Heave a great big sigh of pleasure. Moan if that feels good but however you do it, take the time to bask in the sweet feeling of laying your head on your pillow and drifting off to sleep.
What do these things have in common? Being awake to each gift that comes your way. There are so many lovely things in our lives and yet we become pretty blasé’ about most of them. What if passionate self-care were as simple as noticing each simple pleasure?
Maybe it is.
Write and let me know what your simple pleasures are. I’d love to read about them!
Dancing With Passionate Self-Care
This month begins a series of blogs focused on Passionate Self-Care. This phrase often brings a smile of embarrassment to faces because most of us consider ourselves failures in this arena.
Sure, we devote time to self-care but it is generally based on negative rewards instead of the positive actions that make up passionate self-care. In other words, instead of taking an exhilarating walk after dinner, we settle down to watch Wheel of Fortune, usually with some sort of high calorie drink or snack in hand.
What brings this to mind are the myriad news reports on the high cost of health care and the ensuing crisis for aging Baby Boomers. As I listen to this conversation with interest, I’ve realized that what I haven’t been hearing is much of anything about patient responsibility. Where does self-care fit into all this?
If you bought a house and did nothing to keep it up over a 5-year period, would you expect your insurance company to pay for repairs? They would deny such a claim saying it was neglect, not damage from an outside force such as fire or wind. Yet, we bring our sad, neglected bodies to our doctors or our sad, neglected psyches to psychologists and psychiatrists and expect them to give us a magic pill.
We want pills or surgery to fix what we systematically destroy through complacency.
Passionate self-care starts with the premise that you are at least as worthy of daily care as your house, your car, your children, your boss, or your clients.
Just as you would look at a messy house and say, “It’s time to clean this up,” it’s equally important to pay attention to an ache in your body and say, “It’s time to start taking care of this.” This requires a change in behavior and change requires conscious effort.
I’ve earned the right to talk about this because I spent the first part of my life going to doctors and therapists trying to get them to “fix” me. They helped, that is a fact, but I took no responsibility for having gotten that way in the first place. I sat in the dentist’s chair for example acting bewildered when told I had a cavity. The fact that I only brushed my teeth once a day and poorly at that seemed beside the point. Isn’t fluoride in the water supposed to prevent cavities? I chose to be a victim.
One of the more important things I’ve learned in my conscious effort to move from victim to victor is that, no matter what happens to me, I had a part in it and it’s important to take responsibility for whatever it was. Now, if I were in an earthquake, do I have a part in that? The surprising answer is “Yes” – I’m responsible for how I respond. I can be a victim or a victor and that’s the choice we each have in every situation.
Where are you currently behaving as a victim and how can you transform into a victor? Taking ownership for your life is very freeing and it’s an important component of self-care.
I don’t know about you but I’d really rather NOT be one of those old folks who goes to the doctor with muscles atrophied from lack of use saying, “I can’t understand why I’m so TIRED all the time. Can you give me something?”
We all have a small, active child inside of us who JUST WANTS US TO MOVE!!!! As you get more physically active, you will almost hear the child inside of you yelling, “Whoopee! We’re finally moving!!!” I’ve come to realize that most of my aches and pains, physical and mental, were sent by that impatient child, trying to get my attention!
Take five minutes, right now, and make a list of all the “upkeep” sorts of things you’ve done over the past month for: your car, your home, your clothing, your pets, your children, or other people. Now think what life would be like if you put yourself at the top of the list.
“That’s so selfish!” you might cry. And I say, “Yes, it is, and that is a good thing.” I don’t know when the concept of putting ourselves first got to be so negative. I suspect it was from people who wanted us to put them first so they taught us that self-care is bad.
When we practice passionate self-care, we accomplish several things:
- We take back control of our own well-being
- We set an example for others
- We begin to enjoy our own lives instead of living vicariously through TV or other entertainment
The most important thing that happens when we practice passionate self-care is that we are happier and proud of ourselves. And the Law of Attraction says, “You attract what you are.” The happier you are and the more empowered you feel, the more situations that match those feelings come to you. And that is the ultimate in Passionate Self-Care.
Dancing With Negative Relatives
On Thursday many of us will gather around a food-laden table with family and friends, presumably to celebrate those things in our life for which we are thankful.
If you are envisioning this with dread because one or more relatives or friends ruin it for you every year, then read on. There are some things you can do about it.
I am no stranger to annoying relatives. I have some and I have been one and probably still am. My siblings could regale you with tales of Thanksgivings past when I tried to control everything including seating arrangements lighting, timing and injecting a “no TV during dinner rule.” Can you say “controlling?” It wasn’t even my house!
My family of origin-if this photo could talk!
Of course the flip side of that was how annoying they were when they resisted my brilliant suggestions. Some of them teased, others got mean and the worst were those who merely dismissed me. They ruined the holiday for me!
Ah, excuse me. Who ruined it? Mirror, mirror on the wall…
What follows are a few things I’ve learned from both sides of this equation:
You get what you expect. If you are already anticipating the day with a sinking heart and an ache in the pit of your stomach, you’re in trouble. Sit down today and rewrite the script. I mean that literally. Sit down with pen and paper and write a story in third person with you as the hero/heroine. In your story everything turns out for the best. Example, “Even though she saw her brother roll his eyes when she asked if they could each say something they were thankful for, it didn’t bother her. She knew she couldn’t control what he thought.
Instead of anticipating problems, why not anticipate a day where the usual triggers don’t bother you at all? You’ll be amazed at how well this works.
Memorize the serenity prayer. Even if you’re not spiritual or religious, this works as an affirmation: Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (like people), the courage to change the things I can (like not letting others get to you), and the wisdom to know the difference.
Pick your battles. If Uncle Joe is drunk and he always gets insulting when he’s drunk, is that the time to give him a lesson in etiquette? Probably not. Instead of being hurt or angry, why not see him as someone who is (a) very troubled and (b) incapable of hurting you without your permission.
Don’t sucker punch. Families are often too blunt with each other. If you need to tell a family member something that might sting, use this method: “There’s something I need to say to you and it might upset you. That’s not my intention.” This method is so effective! Instead of hitting your sister with something she wasn’t expecting, you give her a warning. This allows her a bit of time to steel herself. I can promise you that whatever she conjures up in her head will be infinitely worse than what you finally say.
Cynical/negative people really care. My father was pretty grouchy. He didn’t think the glass was half full or half empty—he wanted to know what was in it and who put it there? (Did I mention he was also suspicious?) After decades of observation (mine—he wasn’t committed) I realized that Dad was passionately negative because he really cared about the issues he complained about. He also felt powerless. Roz and Ben Zander wrote about this in The Art of Possibility, “A cynic is a passionate person who does not want to be disappointed again.”
SO, if you have a relative that gets all worked up this year, instead of trying to calm him down or just ignoring him (which as you know will only inspire him to repeat his points only more loudly), try saying, “You really care about this issue, don’t you?” It may not stop him forever but he’ll be so shocked that you get it that it may stop him for a breath or two. If nothing else, you’ll score points.
Respond, versus react. What is ultimately true is that the only person you are able to control, Thanksgiving or not, is you. So you can choose to react (which puts the person who pushed your button in charge of your emotions) or you can respond (which puts you firmly in charge).
I once heard a psychologist explain it best. When you react, the small child inside you is controlling you. When you respond, your adult is at the helm. Even if you’re the only “adult” present on Thursday isn’t that preferable? Think how peacefully you’ll be able to sleep that night! (Added bonus: no apologies to make!)
John McEnroe's Inner Child Reacting
Please know that one of the things I am very grateful for this Thanksgiving is the privilege it is to be able to “talk” with you via this blog. I love it when you talk back so please feel free to write with kudos, criticisms or topic suggestions.
Have a happy!