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Dancing With Negative Relatives
On Thursday many of us will gather around a food-laden table with family and friends, presumably to celebrate those things in our life for which we are thankful.
If you are envisioning this with dread because one or more relatives or friends ruin it for you every year, then read on. There are some things you can do about it.
I am no stranger to annoying relatives. I have some and I have been one and probably still am. My siblings could regale you with tales of Thanksgivings past when I tried to control everything including seating arrangements lighting, timing and injecting a “no TV during dinner rule.” Can you say “controlling?” It wasn’t even my house!
My family of origin-if this photo could talk!
Of course the flip side of that was how annoying they were when they resisted my brilliant suggestions. Some of them teased, others got mean and the worst were those who merely dismissed me. They ruined the holiday for me!
Ah, excuse me. Who ruined it? Mirror, mirror on the wall…
What follows are a few things I’ve learned from both sides of this equation:
You get what you expect. If you are already anticipating the day with a sinking heart and an ache in the pit of your stomach, you’re in trouble. Sit down today and rewrite the script. I mean that literally. Sit down with pen and paper and write a story in third person with you as the hero/heroine. In your story everything turns out for the best. Example, “Even though she saw her brother roll his eyes when she asked if they could each say something they were thankful for, it didn’t bother her. She knew she couldn’t control what he thought.
Instead of anticipating problems, why not anticipate a day where the usual triggers don’t bother you at all? You’ll be amazed at how well this works.
Memorize the serenity prayer. Even if you’re not spiritual or religious, this works as an affirmation: Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (like people), the courage to change the things I can (like not letting others get to you), and the wisdom to know the difference.
Pick your battles. If Uncle Joe is drunk and he always gets insulting when he’s drunk, is that the time to give him a lesson in etiquette? Probably not. Instead of being hurt or angry, why not see him as someone who is (a) very troubled and (b) incapable of hurting you without your permission.
Don’t sucker punch. Families are often too blunt with each other. If you need to tell a family member something that might sting, use this method: “There’s something I need to say to you and it might upset you. That’s not my intention.” This method is so effective! Instead of hitting your sister with something she wasn’t expecting, you give her a warning. This allows her a bit of time to steel herself. I can promise you that whatever she conjures up in her head will be infinitely worse than what you finally say.
Cynical/negative people really care. My father was pretty grouchy. He didn’t think the glass was half full or half empty—he wanted to know what was in it and who put it there? (Did I mention he was also suspicious?) After decades of observation (mine—he wasn’t committed) I realized that Dad was passionately negative because he really cared about the issues he complained about. He also felt powerless. Roz and Ben Zander wrote about this in The Art of Possibility, “A cynic is a passionate person who does not want to be disappointed again.”
SO, if you have a relative that gets all worked up this year, instead of trying to calm him down or just ignoring him (which as you know will only inspire him to repeat his points only more loudly), try saying, “You really care about this issue, don’t you?” It may not stop him forever but he’ll be so shocked that you get it that it may stop him for a breath or two. If nothing else, you’ll score points.
Respond, versus react. What is ultimately true is that the only person you are able to control, Thanksgiving or not, is you. So you can choose to react (which puts the person who pushed your button in charge of your emotions) or you can respond (which puts you firmly in charge).
I once heard a psychologist explain it best. When you react, the small child inside you is controlling you. When you respond, your adult is at the helm. Even if you’re the only “adult” present on Thursday isn’t that preferable? Think how peacefully you’ll be able to sleep that night! (Added bonus: no apologies to make!)
John McEnroe's Inner Child Reacting
Please know that one of the things I am very grateful for this Thanksgiving is the privilege it is to be able to “talk” with you via this blog. I love it when you talk back so please feel free to write with kudos, criticisms or topic suggestions.
Have a happy!
2
Dancing With Overwhelm
Are you feeling like there is just too much to do?
Too much to learn?
Not enough time?
Join the club!
Lately, I have been keenly aware that the list of things that could, should or “it would be nice” to get done is expanding quicker than the blob grew in that horror movie of old. I realize that it’s time to get back to basics. It’s time to remember and then utilize what has worked in the past. And that always brings me back to the bottom-line principle called The Law of Attraction that tells us we get more of what we focus on.
Like many teachers, I’ve neglected to apply what I teach to my own life. How embarrassing.
So when you re-read the first two paragraphs, what does it tell you about where my focus has been? Exactly! I’ve focused on the problem and, here’s a shock, it’s getting worse! Where have you misused focus to add steroids to some of your own problems?
It’s such a habit this looking at the problem. And it is impossible to break a habit because, as you attempt to, where is your focus? What works well instead is to replace the habit that’s not serving you well with a new one that will.
So what is the fastest way out of overwhelm?
The answer is to develop the habit of celebrating what we’ve accomplished, even if we don’t think it’s nearly enough. As we celebrate the accomplishments of each day—even the seemingly trivial ones—the more accomplishments we attract. My negative focus threw me down the rabbit hole of “not enough.” As I begin to celebrate my accomplishments (and the first one is finishing and sending this blog), instead of spiraling downward, I begin to spiral upward and it’s a much more fun ride!
So I challenge you to take two minutes and write a list of everything you’ve accomplished today so far. Then stand up and do whatever your version is of “the touchdown dance.”
For the rest of the day, when you’ve accomplished something more, do something to celebrate even if it’s to say, “Yes!” and pump your arm for emphasis. Watch what a different day you’ll have.
Tell me how it goes. I’d love your feedback.
I’m off to do my touchdown dance!
Dancing with Cyberspace
As one who teaches how to cope with our ever-changing world, it was with some fascination that I watched the brouhaha over the recent changes to FaceBook. For those of you who don’t use FaceBook, just know that they made changes and many people passionately protested, much of it not nice.
I’ve witnessed similar cries of protest from my partner Bill whenever Yahoo changes their email program. If I hear a holler of frustration coming out of the office, I know it has something to do with the computer and, more specifically, changes made without his being consulted.
To all of you I say, with love and respect, “Embrace change. It is your friend.” If change makes you want to chew the furniture, then the Internet is probably not a good place for you to be hanging out.
I can think of no better arena to practice your skill at Dancing With Change than your computer, be it a desktop, a laptop, a notebook or a smartphone. I say that because if you own them, you are likely highly motivated to use these tools and they are (and always will be) evolving quickly and without advance notice.
Those changes made by faceless programmers somewhere out in cyberspace are not designed to drive you crazy. They’re actually intended to improve things for you. Of course, we’ve all heard that the road to hell is paved with good intentions but truly, Oliver Stone and Michael Moore notwithstanding, there are no geeks conspiring against you. The geeks with bad intentions could care less about how you socially network; they’re too busy hacking your bank records.
Here is why technical changes frustrate us so much. Think about it: you already knew how to use the program on your computer. It took awhile but you finally mastered it. Now someone you’ve never met and will never see has decided to “improve” things and overnight the program you knew how to use looks or acts completely different. What you are faced with is a learning curve. And learning curves make us nervous. We feel vulnerable, an emotion no one embraces.
When you’re hit with a change, the very first question to ask is, “Do I have any control over this?” If the answer is no, then the next question is, “What do I need to do to adjust?” (Bill’s answer to that is, “Use my computer as a Frisbee.”)
The good news is that medical science tells us that learning keeps our brains agile. According to Dr. Mehmet Oz: “Education is key to slowing brain aging. Simply put, the more you know, the more you stretch your brain’s capacity for learning.”
So the next time a program change happens that triggers a negative reaction from you, instead of beating up the developers, post a “thank you” from your future self. After all, the 80-year-old you will, because of them, have an extremely agile brain from continually trying to figure out how to “make this #!?*# thing work!”
Dancing with Opening Your Mind
I’m not sure at what age I stopped being physically adventurous but I’m very clear when it all came back—when I met Bill. There’s something about being in love. Maybe it’s showing off, wanting your intended to think you’re open to trying anything they like. Maybe it’s that falling in love makes you feel like a kid and kids are naturally adventurous. Whatever the reason, I’m grateful that it happened because in my mid-50s I discovered that I really enjoy outdoor activities.
My mind was closed to this possibility for decades. What a waste.
What have you closed your mind to saying (without actually trying it,) “I don’t like to do that”?
I remember meeting people who lived for the weekend when they could be outdoors and their excitement mystified me. When people talked about camping I always trotted out that stale joke, “My idea of camping is Motel 6.”
For over twelve years, my MasterMind group has met annually at various wonderful locations. Many members are outdoor enthusiasts. I would joke, “Wake me up after sunrise yoga in the meadow. I’d rather sleep.”
What’s mystifying is that I had always been adventurous in other aspects of my life. I’m an entrepreneur—not for the faint of heart. I adopted two at-risk teenage foster daughters when I was single. I performed stand-up comedy at my ten year High School reunion for heaven sakes! But risk looking stupid in a kayak? Never!
And that’s the key. Trying to do something you’re not sure you’ll be good at requires the willingness to be vulnerable and that’s what stopped me. Those other activities I had tackled were things I was reasonably sure I could do well. But I wasn’t sure I could do physical activities without making a fool of myself. So I made up the story that I didn’t enjoy them as a way to protect myself.
Where have you made up a story to prevent yourself from trying something you might not be good at?
I fell for someone who enjoys, boogie boarding, windsurfing, hiking and skiing (to name just a few). When he asked me (for example), “Do you like to sail?” I had to admit, “I don’t know. I’ve never tried it.” The magic opening came when I added, “But I’d like to.” And I did and I love it.
What could you open your mind to that might turn out to be something you really enjoy?
Step 3 of learning to Dance with Change is: Choose—will you dance or sit this one out? There is nothing wrong with choosing to sit it out unless you’ve closed your mind prior to giving it your full consideration.I come from a non-active family. We weren’t a family who camped or went on hikes. My dad was too busy working to make ends meet and I followed his example for many years, using my leisure time to work more.
How have you become like one or both of your parents without consciously intending to? What were they closed off to that you are as well?
As I look for the clues I missed along the way, I realized I’d forgotten how much I loved water-skiing when I was in my teens. Then I remembered the thrill I got when I was able to make the rowboat my dad had built glide across the lake.
What did you love as a child that has slipped away?
For years I’ve loved to bask in the beauty of Nature, feeling the breeze and the warmth of the sun on my face. How is it that I’d never connected that to what people enjoy about outdoor activities? I didn’t make the connection because I had closed my mind. By saying, “I don’t like to do those things,” the evidence that I might like them couldn’t penetrate my otherwise intelligent mind. There are none so blind as those who will not see.
The next time someone asks you to do something you think you wouldn’t like ask yourself, “Have I ever actually tried it?” If the answer is no, then I suggest you give it a go. What’s the worst that could happen? Perhaps you’ll confirm that you don’t like it. On the other hand, you may be delightfully surprised as you discover a whole new aspect of the world.
Last week a group of us went kayaking down a river in Hawaii. In order to get there, we had to go through the ocean and some surf. The idea of being in a kayak when a wave hit used to terrify me. Then I tried it, got dumped and discovered that the worst that happened is that I got wet and had to swim to retrieve the kayak. As we paddled down the beautiful and serene river, I was so happy I had learned those magical words, “I’d like to try.”
Are there things Bill does that I don’t? Absolutely. He’s an amazing downhill skier and I have opted for the safety of snowshoeing. He windsurfs and I’m not willing to put in the time it would take to do it well. But last week we went paddle boarding and lo and behold! I was able to stay on my board much longer than he. That would not have been possible if I hadn’t opened my closed mind (did I mention it took some WD-40 and a crowbar?)
There are amazing things out there just for the asking. Don’t be like me and wait for someone else to come along and open your mind. Give yourself the gift! Back away from the TV or your computer and take a look around. When you open your mind, all sorts of wonderful changes are available for you to choose from. Some you will dance with and others you won’t but isn’t it nice to have so many more choices than you’d previously known?
Dancing with Blaze
In my July 28th blog, I asked readers to send me answers to the following question: “What could I do instead of worrying? What might be some behaviors that would be more useful?”
I want to share with you a response from Missouri reader Joy Gilzow that touched my heart at a very deep level:
Instead of worrying, we pray and trust God…and plan celebrations. I was 20 weeks into my pregnancy and learned that my son was going to be born with half a heart. After his birth there would be a series of risky surgeries, 3 in all, at different stages of his young life. Of course we were devastated. At that moment I didn’t know, do we even plan a nursery? I cried all the way home and threw myself down on the bed and sobbed out to God. My son started kicking the stuffing out of me, as if to say, “I’m here! Don’t count me out!” I picked myself up and dried my tears. The next day I sent out a blue-background email, announcing that we were having a boy. It also explained his condition, asking people to please pray and telling them how blessed we were to have them in our lives. I spent the rest of that day shopping for my baby boy.
That was over three years ago.
Tomorrow night, in honor of having all three surgeries finally behind us, we are celebrating the milestone by going to an “Imagination Movers” concert. We’re getting to meet them backstage before the show. We haven’t told Blaze, who turned 3 on the 17th of July, that he gets to meet them; we’re going to let that part be a surprise.
Blaze on Daddy’s Shoulders-Imagination Movers Concert
Blaze is a happy, affectionate, mischievous little boy. He’s on the small side for his age, but he’s mighty, and expected to have a full, healthy life. He’s been growing like a weed since his final open-heart surgery last month. He gets to start daycare/preschool the end of August. No one looking at him realizes anything is “wrong.”
It hasn’t been easy, but it was totally worth it. Worrying would have defeated us. We celebrate and offer thanks. God is so good and answered the prayers that were raised up to Him. I am so grateful.
My favorite part of Joy’s story is when the yet-to-be-born Blaze started “kicking the stuffing” out of her. It makes me laugh and cry at the same time.
The best tip from Joy is “plan celebrations;” there are few better ways to Change Your Focus; Change Your Life. When you celebrate, you are putting your full attention on what you want. The more you celebrate, the more the things you want come your way. Blaze was born into celebration and look at all he’s accomplished in his short life? (How many three year-olds do YOU know that got to see the Imagination Movers, let alone meet them backstage? That, my friends, is the power of focus.)
All the happiness research coming out of such esteemed institutions as Harvard and University of Pennsylvania point to the fact that what actually makes us happy is significantly different than what we think. Additionally, what we think will destroy us rarely does. Initially, Joy was devastated. That word says everything. And yet, she was able to turn that initial reaction into a response: my boy is coming and I’m getting ready for him.
At the top of researchers’ lists of what makes us happy is “service to others” and Joy’s family has been of service to little Blaze since before he was born. All good parents are, of course, but there is a much keener awareness when a child is born with challenges. The family becomes primarily focused on a singular goal – the health of their child—and the ordinary problems that bug the rest of us fade into the background for them.
So the next time you are wasting time worrying about what might happen or is going to happen or DID happen, I want you to remember that big smile on Blaze’s face and ask yourself, “When I get to the other side of this, how will I celebrate?”
Many thanks to Joy for sharing this wonderful story. Please give Blaze a high-five from all of us. The Imagination Movers were lucky they got to meet him.