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You Get What you Expect
Thanksgiving launches us full-speed into the holiday season, potentially a time of great stress. Certainly it is fraught with many emotions, both positive and negative.
As you look ahead to your Thanksgiving plans, you may want to do what my teacher Abraham Hicks calls “pre-paving.” Actually, most of us have already done quite a lot of pre-paving in the form of expectations. You may want to do some deliberate pre-paving.
If you expect Thanksgiving to be a problem, you are probably basing that expectation on past years when things did not go so well. Conversely, those of you who cannot wait to sit around the table visiting with the friends and family you love have used your memories of past holidays to fuel an expectation of a good time.
Either way, you get what you expect.
It is a rare one among us who completely ignores what has happened in the past and decides what kind of holiday they intend to have. This is pre-paving—shaping your experience in advance.
You will be pleasantly surprised by what you can accomplish when you decide beforehand the kind of experience you intend to have. For example, if you think ahead to the things Uncle Fred typically says that make you want to scream, you can decide that this year you will listen to his particular brand of craziness and regard it as humorously eccentric. In fact, you may want to take notes so that, after the holiday, you can entertain your friends with stories of his antics.
You can also use your fertile imagination to turn your cousin Maria (the one who is always trying to tell you how to run your life) into an Oprah gone horribly wrong. Imagine her as a talk show host and picture the audience’s reaction to the bad advice she spouts. You’ll (almost) feel sorry for her as she continues to regale you with her good ideas for how your life ought to be.
You can even listen to those things your parents say every year that trigger the four-year-old inside you to stage a tantrum and instead smilingly respond, “I know you say that because you love me. I love you, too.” Wouldn’t that be worth the looks of shock on their faces? After all, their memories of holidays past are probably that you usually “overreact” to things.
What’s interesting about the holidays is how they so clearly demonstrate that you get what you expect. Oh sure, I know that you think you expect everyone to link arms, sing a happy song and be lovey-dovey. That’s not an expectation, it’s a hope. Consider that the Law of Attraction says you get more of what you focus on. In reality, you’re not focused on having a happy holiday you’re worried that it will all go wrong and that you’ll be disappointed one more time. The more worried you are, the more likely that the holidays will be a rough ride.
You get what you expect.
What if you approached Thanksgiving with the expectation that you’re going to have a good time–period? It isn’t contingent on the behavior of others. The meal you sit down to needn’t be perfect. Heck, your favorite football team doesn’t even need to win. (Gasp—such blasphemy!) No matter what happens, you fully intend to have a good time.
You get what you expect.
This is something you can put into play every single day, holiday or not. Pre-paving can mean using the time in your shower each morning to decide to have a great day. If you think about it, you’re probably already deciding to have a not-so-good day by spending your shower time focused on problems you have to deal with in the hours ahead.
You can also use this technique of pre-paving any time you like. You can stop yourself in the course of your day and decide that, in the next hour things are going to improve considerably (even if they are already great).
You get what you expect.
Whatever your expectations for Thanksgiving, I wish you a holiday of focusing on what you are grateful for and whispering, “Thank you” to your higher power. While you’re at it, you may want to express gratitude for the incredible freedom that lies in your ability to get what you expect.
Emotional Health
I’ve always had this theory that people drive the way they think. I developed this after observing two people:
The first was my Dad who drove incredibly slow and seemed oblivious to the impact it had on drivers on the road with him. People thought it was because of his age but he drove that way even when he was younger. His thought process mirrored the driving—he took a lot of time to think about and articulate ideas and didn’t care if he was holding things up. He would let you know his thoughts when he was good and ready. As an impatient young child living in his house, this habit drove me a little bit crazy.
The second person who inspired this theory was a manager I worked with years ago. One day we went to lunch and, on the harrowing drive to the restaurant, she tailgated every car that had the misfortune of being in front of us. As I reflected on this, I realized that in the office she did her own form of tailgating —she was an impossible micro-manager who put fear into the hearts of her staff.
I’ve started to refine this idea even further because I now understand that the way we drive is also an indication of our spiritual and emotional health. This may have been inspired by the following story someone sent me in an email:
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and coffee.
Mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, ”I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated fish emblem on the trunk; naturally…
I assumed you had stolen the car.”
The Law of Attraction says that you get more of what you focus on. If you’re not sure about where your focus is, don’t look to affirmations you are praying, bumper stickers you are displaying or positive words you are saying. Too often they are indicators of how you’d like to be or how you’d like others to think you are. Look instead to how you are responding to everyday situations.
It doesn’t take much personal fortitude to behave in church or temple. But in the midst of traffic, when everything seems to be going wrong and you are late and stressed to the limit, that’s when you can see the state of your spiritual and emotional health.
Here’s the fun part. If you discover that you are not where you want to be, an easy way to quickly turn it around is to shift your focus.
Look, the vast majority of drivers on the road are skilled and courteous. If, however, you spend all your time focused on the few who are not, then your driving experience is going to be very stressful (and you’ll attract more poor drivers around you.)
Try this: for the next week, decide what kind of person you want to be all the time, even while behind the wheel of your car. Then do whatever is necessary to be that person even when no one is looking. You’ll soon discover that your health, spiritual and emotional has improved considerably, both behind the wheel and everywhere else. And you will be bowled over by what you start to attract.
Working too Hard
The longer I apply the principles of the Law of Attraction, the more I realize that, for most of my life I’ve been working way too hard. Can you relate?
This universal law says, “You attract more of what you focus on.” There are three steps to attracting what we want:
Step One is to identify a desire or a preference. You don’t have to concentrate on this—you are doing it all day long.
“What?!?” you may well want to shout. “That can’t possibly be true! I would never have asked for some of the things in my life!” The word “ask” is what throws us off. We think we ask for something by putting in a verbal request. Unfortunately, that’s not the way it works. Whatever you pay attention to is what you are asking the Universe to deliver.
Here’s an example. Let’s say you work with eight people at your job. Seven of your co-workers are people you genuinely enjoy; they’re great and you’re glad they’re on your team. But there is one member of the team you think of as The Jerk.
Who do you pay more attention to, your loveable team or The Jerk? Whichever it is, that’s what you are telling the Universe your preference is—more people like that. Your attention is the same as a request.
Step Two is not your work—the Universe responds to your preference and sends out what you have asked for. No exception.
The Universe, you see, does not sort between what’s good for you or bad for you. That’s your job; the Universe simply takes note of your preference and delivers.
Step Three, to allow, accept and receive is your work. What you receive is all up to you.
When you are at work or thinking about your job who has your attention—the co-workers you like or The Jerk? Who do you talk about with your spouse or friends? Who do you lie awake thinking about?
The more you pay attention to The Jerk, the more of his/her tribe you are allowing into your life. Pretty soon you’re encountering Jerks on the freeway, at the grocery store, even at church! People you have never had problems with start acting like Jerks. This is a clear example of just how good you are at manifesting what you ask for (see Step One).
If you want to know what you are allowing in any given moment, the only thing you need pay attention to is how you feel. When you feel good, you are allowing the things you want that will please you. When you are feeling bad, you are allowing those things into your life that you don’t want. Either way, you are the one manifesting.
I have spent the last 20 years working on leveraging the Law of Attraction’s three steps to allow more of what I want. The journey has been remarkable and the results have been concrete:
• My 30-year depression lifted, never to return
• I am in recovery from alcoholism
• I no longer lay awake consumed with worry
• I do work that I love
• I have great relationships with family and friends
These results are major and I’m thrilled to have them. However, they came more slowly than need be.
In contrast, over the past several months, some major dreams have suddenly come true for me in such a profound way that I’ve wondered what caused the floodgate to open. I didn’t have to wonder long; I know exactly what is different. Since July I have been meditating every day for 30 minutes or more.
Why would the simple act of daily meditation make such a difference? Meditation puts you in touch with the pure, positive energy of Source (many call this energy God—your name for it is your business). When you are connected to this energy, you release all resistance, all negativity. When there is no resistance, all the things you’ve been asking for over the years, those things that have been held in escrow waiting for you to allow yourself to receive come flooding into your life. Things that would have taken me more hours than I have to orchestrate are happening for me, easily and effortlessly. The same is available to you.
I’m done working so hard—what about you?
Asking
I once attended a Professional Coaching conference where I had the pleasure of hearing Julio Olalla, founder of The Newfield Network speak. One of the things Julio said that captured my attention was, “There is tremendous suffering around our inability to ask.”
That has been my observation, as well. Our inability to ask for what we want—from others, from ourselves, and from life—is the root of nearly all suffering. That’s a pretty strong statement. Here is why I make it: the only way to draw into your life what you want is by asking for it. The trouble is, most of us don’t realize what we are asking for moment-by-moment because we have a fixed idea of what asking looks like or sounds like.
The most direct way of asking for something is to say, “Could I have that please?” That’s pure and simple. As long as you are looking at the object of your desire and feeling confident that you can have it, it is also the quickest way to get it.
But most of us don’t look at what we WANT. We look at what we don’t want and resist it; we try and push it away. For example, we say the words, “I want a job I love,” while our full attention is focused on what we hate about the one we currently have.
When you pay attention to something, it is the same as asking the Universe, “Could I have that, please?”
You see, the Universe is energy-based. As such, it is ruled by the Law of Attraction which, in its simplest form says “Like attracts like.”
The Universe has no ears. It cannot hear your words. Instead, it reads energy. When your energy is focused on something, the Universe interprets it as a request for delivery. The longer you focus on it, the sooner it gets delivered. The stronger your emotions are at the time (positive or negative), the more intense your energy. This also causes whatever you’re focused on (or something very similar) to be delivered more quickly.
The Universe does not discern on your behalf whether what you ask for is good for you or bad. It simply receives your request (i.e., “Please deliver more of what I hate about my job”) and fulfills it.
Does this mean we can’t change our minds? No! What is required in order to cancel a request we inadvertently made is to shift our attention to its opposite and strongly visualize that being delivered.
It sounds far-fetched unless you’re awake to how it’s happening in your life every single day. Haven’t you ever noticed that the more you don’t want something to happen, the more it seems to come your way? That is where expressions such as, “It went from bad to worse,” come from.
It works to our advantage as well. Success does indeed breed success. The rich get richer and the poor get poorer as long their focus is on “what is,” because their attention to it is tantamount to asking for more.
So how do you know what you’re asking for? Pay attention to how you feel. When you have a good feeling in your gut, it is your signal that what’s coming your way is going to feel equally good. Remember, “like attracts like” so the only thing you can attract when you’re feeling good is something that’s a match to that feeling.
If you have a bad feeling in the pit of your stomach, start looking for what you’re focused on that’s making you feel bad. When you identify where your attention is, say to yourself, “That’s clearly something I don’t want (as evidenced by my negative reaction) What do I want?” Once you identify what it is, put your full attention on it until you’ve replaced the negative feeling with a positive one.
It’s really very simple. Ask the Universe to send to you only those things that will make you happy. How do you ask for that? By giving your FULL ATTENTION to what you already have in your life that makes you happy. Then, open up the delivery dock. Good things are headed your way.
You asked for them.
1
How Not to Help
Most problems I see in the workplace are generated by three things:
1. Direct meddling
2. Gossiping
3. Indirect meddling, i.e., sitting in judgment
meddle—v. Interfere in something that is not one’s concern.
It’s obvious why direct meddling would be a problem. No one wants to be told how to do their job, even if (and this is the funny part) the person telling you is your boss.
It’s obvious, too why gossiping about how others do their work would be a problem. You’re not only meddling; you’re recruiting others to join the team.
But indirect meddling can be equally destructive. Just because you don’t say anything out loud doesn’t mean your message isn’t being delivered. Non-verbal communication is stronger than verbal. If you doubt this, think of how teenagers and moms communicate. Both can speak volumes with just one look.
When we put ourselves in a position to judge, we generally think we know better than the other person. Rarely do we question whether or not it’s true.
Just because someone isn’t doing a task the way you would, does not mean they’re doing it ineffectively. When we try and force our will on another it can only lead to trouble. (Trust me I know this from direct experience. I’m sure my daughters and some of my friends will forward this column back to me. LOL.)
It’s actually amusing when our brilliant advice is rejected and we respond by being hurt, “I was only trying to help,” we say and then we sulk.
Are we really only trying to help or are we showing off? When someone ignores your advice, if your response is to be hurt or angry, chances are it’s your ego at play, not your benevolence.
Getting along in the workplace (and at home) would go much more smoothly if we did one simple thing—honor each other’s expertise. Allow the person who is tasked with doing something to do it, unburdened by unsolicited (and usually unwelcomed) advice from you.
“But,” you protest, “I really can make it easier for them!”
So what? If your meddling makes them uncomfortable or resentful, what is served? Chances are it’s your ego.
I’m not saying don’t offer. People often do want our help. Don’t, however do it by asking the usual, “Can I help?” This puts the other person in the position of having to reject your gesture. If instead you say, “Let me know if you need any help with that,” it leaves the choice up to them. The difficult part is when they decide to forge ahead without us. I have literally had to bite my lip to keep from pointing out how someone could do a task better. Or sometimes I whip off an email with all my good ideas. This, by the way, is where having a 5-10 minute delay on your email “sends” comes in handy. If you hit “send” and then realize you’ve given unsolicited advice, you can fish it out of your “outbox” before the damage is done.
The problem with meddling is that it is interpreted in a variety of ways. The person may think you’re saying, “You don’t know what you’re doing,” or “I’m smarter than you,” or even (and this does real damage), “You’re incapable of figuring it out.” Many of us routinely do this when interacting with our loved ones at home. It only follows that we would do the same at work.
So what if you’re the boss and it’s your job to develop this person? Here is how to honor their developing expertise. Describe for your employee the end result you seek and then say, “Walk me through how you would approach this task so I can be sure I’ve given you all the information you need.” And then stop talking and listen. If they tell you an approach you think will work, give them your blessing to move ahead. If some tweaking needs to be done you can say, “I’m not sure about this aspect of your plan—are there other ways that might work?”
Honor people’s expertise and your relationships (at work and at home) will flourish!